Blair and Bush will be joined at shoulders - say experts

There is no doubt that the world is a much better, safer place for white middle class males when its world leaders stand shoulder to shoulder, but the very health of Tony Blair and George W.Bush is increasingly under threat the more they do so. That is the alarming opinion of Dr Chris Lothsline of the University of Sheffield.

"I've seen it before", said the field-leading professor of molecular cryptology from his local boozer. "If they carry on standing shoulder to shoulder, there's a clear and present danger that Bush & Blair will become joined at the shoulder like some freak 'siamese statesman'".

The implications of this are worrying. It will probably mean that Tony Blair will have to stand shoulder to shoulder with Bush at the next general election. "Still, at least that'll mean those bastard, lying, cheating, smarmy, poncey new Labour fuckwitts won't get a third term," said Professor Lothsline on his fifth pint of Speckled Abbot.

There are also practical issues to take into account. The toilets in the new parliament building opposite Westminster, for instance, will need to accomadate the 'siamese statesmen'. "Yeah, we'll probably just knock two of the cubicles into one and move the pans closer together", said Greg Wendell of Wendell & Sons Quality Builders. "They'll be able to shit shoulder to shoulder then!"

Whatever the implications, it's clear that the latest vogue for scapular proximity is going to give our great leaders even more to think about, at a time when they carry the world's trouble on their harmonious shoulders.

- Rex Phibb -

Bush Vs Beelzebub: US to extend War Against Terror into 'Hell itself'

President Bush yesterday warned Old Nick and his atrocious minions that the US would be extending its war against terror into the dark underworld. "Know this," he warned, "a final reckoning is on the cards here, we know where Satan is, and we will defeat him. Do not misunderestimatorise us."

Britain will offer the usual naive sycophantic military support. "Tony is really up for this, it's right up his street" opined Downing Street spokesperson Geoff Laxman, "in fact he will be keen to wrap up the complete defeat of evil in time for the next election. It could provide a healthy poll boost." 5000 UK troops, prepared to risk infinite sodomy by barbed hellish cock, are poised for the descent into inestimable chaos should Dubya give the nod. "The radios are fixed" assured Laxman.

Anti-globalisation protestors have dismissed Bush's announcements as 'fake' and 'a deceit'. "He may convince some that he is to initiate the Final War, Armageddon, and eventually introduce a 1000 year period of light and peace, the so called Age of Aquarius" said Fig Toffee from the Play Up! movement, "but what he really wants is to extend the corporate branding of our age to the Realm of Chaos. Eternal burnings in oil sponsored by Exxon, the patenting of traditional demonic flesh ripping techniques, that kind of thing."

Critics have warned that defeating the Dark Lord of That Which Cannot Be Mentioned will leave a power vacuum for 'any tinpot dictator or nutcase' to take advantage of. "This is a very dangerous strategy" said Professor Bart Litman of the University of Stockport, "there's no telling who might end up on Lucifer's empty throne. I dread to think."

"Fuck you Beezlebub" said Jason Kolb of Villesville, Ohio, "here comes the smackdown".

- Z.Face -

Chief's £3million BT Bung for 'having a damn nice try'

Z.Face reports
BT Chief Executive Sir Peter Bonsfield is today calculating how he will spend the £3m he is due in payoffs following yesterday's resignation from the lolloping communications giant.

Critics have pointed out that before Sir Peter's reign, BT had never made a trading loss. This year it made a loss of £30bn, surviving only after the largest cash call on shareholders in corporate history. Sir Peter admitted that "objectives didn't quite reach complete fruition status" but his critics have been written off as 'obvious anarchists, paedophiles and war wobblers'.

Kathy Hilfiger of Tower Hamlets was quick to support Sir Peter. Kathy, a single mother who struggles daily to raise her asthmatic children with the help of the cheapest food, TV as distractor, a damp flat and deteriorating coping mechanisms said "Bless him, he looks like he deserves it. It's them scrounging Kosovians that piss me off."

"We totally defend this competitive golden handshake, or golden shoulder as I call them now, " said BT executive Mike Dandy, "he gave it a bloody good go, coming to work even when struck with various minor ailments." £615,000 of the payoff comes as reward for BT's performance over the last year, when it achieved the huge loss described above.

Already more middle class heterosexual males have been shortlisted to replace Sir Peter. Some have even been described as having 'vision' and the ability to 'rationalise' by middle class heterosexual males in the press.

Fiesta Crashes into Little Chef

Bin Laden ruled out
Diners at the Thruxton Little Chef on the A303 experienced New York-style panic yesterday, as the rusting Ford Fiesta of farmer Roy Pigcull crashed into its entrance lobby. "Menus scattered across a radius of 3, 4 foot I'd estimate" explained brave trainee receptionist Cathy Bovine. "One of 'em caught me on the forearm and cut it slightly. S'okay though."

"It was terrifying", said diner Keith Ruddock, "I'd only just started tucking into my Little Chef Big Brekkie Special Feast and I thought " 'ello, a complex geo-political quaqmire's gonna get me - never thought that would happen." Fortunately Keith was seated safely near the Kiddie's Fun Paddock.

Police were called immediately to take suspect Pigcull away for interogation. "Me fuckin' brakes failed! That's all! Now, just coz I got a moustache and coz of the prevailing atmosphere, I'm demonised as some Koran-twisting jihad nutcase", he moaned. He was freed after a night in the cells, "just in case" according to one officer.

"You just can't tell these days can you?" remarked Eida Smythe rhetorically, "they're sneaky them Arabs". Eida helped restrain Pigcull by sitting on his chest until police arrived. Life at the eatery was slowly returning to normal this morning. "We just want to get back to what we do best", said Bovine defiantly, "and prove to Bin Laden we won't be intimidated. Even though he seems to be in the clear on this occasion."

War on Terrorism to go Pay Per View

FIWA, war's world governing body, has awarded the global television rights for the War Against Terrorism to the Kirsche Group, fuelling fears that the conflict will be exiled to pay-TV stations permanently. Kirsche is already threatening to turn proposed ground force invasions into a pay event in Britain despite legislation that says war is an event that must be free to watch.

But FIWA defended the move, saying it would intervene if Kirsche's controversial decision to auction the rights backfired. The German media group has taken over the worldwide TV rights following the collapse of Swiss marketing firm JISMM, which was running the franchise outside Europe. A FIWA spokesman said Kirsche had exercised an option to acquire the rights, adding to its ownership of the Kosovo coverage.

FIWA has also come under fire for backing Kirsche, despite the possibility that the entire event could be shown on pay-TV channels such as BSkyB and Canal Plus. The FIWA spokesman said: "It is primarily Kirsche's business, but if there is a point where we feel we need to intervene then we would, but at the moment it is still their responsibility."

Kirsche is waiting for the outcome of a House of Lords hearing, which could allow the privately owned group to overturn UK broadcasting laws. According to broadcasting legislation, war coverage must be available on free-to-air television, but greedy suits at Kirsche want an expensive auction and have accused the British government of acting fairly.

- Rex Phibb -

Dinner Lady Recipe Ring Cracked

Dawn raids were carried out early yesterday morning on five Arbroath addresses belonging to dinner ladies suspected of trading cake and pastry recipes over the internet. The suspects, all in their mid to late sixties, were found to be up and about reading Take a Break, knitting tea cosys and talking about the weather. Special branch officers who have been monitering e-mail traffic between the five dinner ladies were overjoyed with the arrests and seizure of thousands of recipes.

Cake Mistress

The recipes were found to be stored on the hard drive of a personal computer belonging to Dorothy 'Dot' McManus who is thought to have masterminded the whole operation. McManus who is reputedly known in the recipe trade as the 'Cake Mistress' or the 'Princess of Pastry' was also found to have numerous sweet pastry recipes from Thailand and the Philippines, some of them only a couple of weeks old. Unfortunately, Betty McTavish, another suspect and also mother of five children and twelve grandchildren is believed to have fled the country before the raid, possibly to the United States where recipe trading is rife.

Headless Gingerbread Men
Police also found a digital video camera in McTavish's flat which showed images of her baking a tray of scones. Detectives believe these images had been shown live on the internet to other dinner ladies and recipe users. "We've known for a long time that this has been going on", said detective inspector Graham Dobbin, who has been working tirelessly in the criminal recipe squad for more than seven years. "The internet enables people to transfer recipes far more easily, organised groups have become more ruthless in their methods. I've seen some shocking things in my time in this job, over-syruped flapjacks and ginger bread men without heads. It's disgusting."

Jamaica Cake Yardies

It is also believed that criminal and terrorist organisations such as the IRA, Jamaican Yardies and the Luftewaffe have benefitted from illegal activities in the cake industry. Calls from cake appreciation societies and village fete organisers have called on the government to ban any illegal recipe internet sites and have called for tougher sentences for offenders. "Clearly this is something of a concern" said Kathy Planetoid the cake "Czar" for the newly created Sweet and Savoury task force, "We can't have recipes falling into the wrong dangerous hands, we don't want this spreading to potato snacks or waffles. Or god only knows what will happen."

Buns
The Glasgow arrests follow arrests made earlier last year in other parts of the country. The entire staff of Harringtons Bakery in Rochester Kent were arrested and released without charge four months ago, and two weeks ago a lorry with a Bulgarian number plate full of Belgian buns were found to be out of date in Dover. Staff at the Glasgow school where the five suspects worked part-time declined to comment on the arrests and were left to make alterations to the canteen menu.

- The Chrust reported that story -

Bush effigy in plea for peace: "I can't go on . . . " sobs forlorn dummy

During welcome respite from a vicious thrashing in Jacobabab, Pakistan, Bush Effigy spoke of his despair at continued fanatical efforts to "bust my sorry wooden ass". "I'm caught right in the middle of a crisis engineered by others, my only crime being a dubious resemblance to Dubya. And me a Nader guy."

"I don't know how long I can go on. I've been stomped on, thrashed with sticks, raised aloft, dropped and burnt. Repeatedly. Daily. I'm getting pretty depressed by it all" admitted the stick and cloth impersonator. He has also noticed a definite gender gap in his attackers. "Yup, they're all dudes. I didn't want to be critical of Islamic culture, but at least in the west women can participate in vile and idiotic recriminations."

"My only saving grace has been Blair Effigy. Maybe it's selfish, but I'm quietly glad when I hear the Brit has taken a twatting in some obscure Middle Eastern hellhole. That's one less for me." But maybe not enough to save Effigy from acute clinical depression according to top TV psychologist Hazy Brown. "He must be close to what I call the 'Acute Clinical Depression Zone',"she explained, "perhaps the air force could drop him a pack of my Hazy Top Stress Busta! Tips".

So far Bush Effigy has had beatings administered in major cities and towns in Pakistan, Palestine, Indonesia and the Philippines amongst others. "These people are real angry at something" revealed Effigy. Attempts by US diplomats to have Bush Effigy smuggled out have been unsuccessful. "Er . . . it's just too volatile" explained Whitehouse spokesperson P.Diddy.

"Of all the inanimate objects people use to dispel their unfulfilled impulses," lamented Effigy, "please someone, fashion me into 10 inch dildo like NOW!"

Z.Face

'Evil is evil and will not defeat decent good niceness' pledges Blair

PM Tony Blair was at the Hague yesterday rallying support for his new crusade 'against evil'. It follows what he describes as 'just far too much evil, simply'. 'For far too long' he said 'this plague has beset decent citizens in the most evil ways, as you'd expect'. He promsed EU leaders that Britain will lead a war against 'new evil, old evil and plain old evil evil'.

An intelligence task force, codenamed Operation Nobbled Evil, has been created to discuss the implications of this 'evil' and devise cost effective countermeasures. Already the 'height of evil' has been measured at 7ft 2. 'We will win' stated Blair. It will, he conceded, involve 'decisions'. It is thought that the secret service could be ordered to 'seek and destroy' the 'evilest evil ever, if we find any'.

Critics maintain that Blair remains too vague about what this evil actually is. 'Having rejected so wholeheartedly every decent human principal the Labour party ever stood for, and continuing the Thatcher project with more enthusiasm then the Tory party could, he is reacting on a subconscious level to his smiling deceit and manufacturing an illusionary war that even he believes in' said Tim Hymen, 6, of St Mary's primary school, Dorset.

The median speech pause for Mr Blair was 0.73 seconds, up just 0.02 seconds from last week's speech on how poverty will be eradicated without having to reduce the gap between the rich and poor despite claims that it is mathematically impossible.

- report by Zakface -

Christmas Crackers!

The Smudgemeister with the Latest News from the 17th World Boggle Championships in The Settlement.

Confusion, controversy and chaos threatened to overshadow a marvellous opening day's play at the 17th Inaugural World Boggle Championships here in Christmas Island yesterday, as the Pitcairn Islands and France lodged official complaints in separate incidents following their 1st round matches.

Despite record crowds, a carnival atmosphere, and near perfect playing conditions, the enduring memory for those present and the estimated 2.5 billion worldwide television audience will be the sight of French number one Didier Diddenté shedding tears all over his famous blue and white hooped team jersey after his surprise loss to Pakistan's Paul Scott, a rank outsider, competing at his first World Championship. Scott reeled off 3 straight rubbers (105-78, 111-96, 102-15) to leave Diddenté's hopes of adding the world title to his European and North American ones in tatters.

It later transpired, however, that Scott had failed to attain the necessary qualifying mark of 25 points at a single shake at any point during the qualifying period - the 3 months preceding the championships. French coach Monsieur Lafayette said at an impassioned press conference, "Le chat est dans l'armoire". Scott maintained his innocence, claiming he was not aware of any qualifying mark, "I'm just here on holiday. I wanted to see the statues", he said.

The Pitcairn Islands' Derek Moon, who so proudly carried his nation's pitiful flag in the opening ceremony, was similarly unimpressed by the antics of his 6'8" American opponent Brad Kowzlowski, who is renowned amongst Boggle aficionados for his eccentric behaviour. Kowzlowski entered the arena in a Merkava Mk III battle tank and refused to leave the turret during play. Theirs was a closer game, and though Moon ran out a narrow 3-2 (56-100, 102-95, 87-102, 110-7, 103-74) winner, his coach Derek Moot lodged an appeal with the board, on his charge's behalf. "Armour plated vehicles have no place at a Boggle match, whether it's a Sunday morning pub game or the World Championships." He went on to further accuse Kowzlowski of masturbating during the 5th rubber: "The yank lank had a wank in the tank", he said.

A spokeswoman for FIBA said she would deal with the complaints in due course. "I'd like to see any man combine administrating a worldwide sporting organisation with the demands of raising a young family", she said when we caught up with her in Roosters nightclub at 4am this morning.

Before the controversy erupted however, spectators enjoyed a fantastic day's Boggle. The top two seeds, Hossan Minky of Egypt, and the flamboyant Dave Krun of Venezuela enjoyed comfortable, straight rubber victories in front of a capacity 78,000 crowd at the purpose-built Parkerdome, and can thus now relax in the knowledge that they will play all their matches at this magnificent arena. The game of the day was undoubtedly the Transvestite Mixed Doubles first round match that saw Antarctica's golden couple; Theodore and Barbara "The Beard" Bo Bunkum overcome the colourful debutants from Luxembourg, Peter Piper and Margarita Tweedledee. In a thrilling finish, the "Icemen" came from fully 20 points behind on the final shake, Barbara conjuring up the word "logarithm" to win by a single point after an epic 7 minute encounter.

Today's highlights include an intriguing battle on table No. 2 between the 6th and 7th seeds from Honduras, brothers Felix and Caspar Gomez, and an exhibition match featuring 1973 finalists, the Isle of Wight's Arthur Shit and his nemesis in that fine 9 rubber epic, the last British winner of this tournament, Pablo Aguilera from Haverfordwest. What we wouldn't give for an all British final this time round.

Radish Rages Against the Running Cheat Machines

In the wake of yet another disappointing World Athletics Championships, where dozens of foreigncountries won many more medals than the UK, British athletes have hit out against "training cheats". Team GB runners, jumpers and throwers rallied around captain Paula Radish (who came a gallant fourth in the 10,000m final) at trackside to demonstrate against Americans, Russians, Germans and other swarthy types who, they believe, are creating a "bumpy playing field".

"These athletes," she said, "are creating a bumpy playing field. They are gaining an unfair advantage over our homegrown talent, by using performance-enhancing training methods." When pressed, one British runner revealed that these methods included things such as "running long distances to increase lung capacity and stamina, practicing race starts to save vital seconds, and participating in diets free from processed foods and cigarettes." Many of them, it is believed, go to bed early on the night before a race.

In the wake of yet another disappointing World Athletics Championships, where dozens of foreigncountries won many more medals than the UK, British athletes have hit out against "training cheats". Team GB runners, jumpers and throwers rallied around captain Paula Radish (who came a gallant fourth in the 10,000m final) at trackside to demonstrate against Americans, Russians, Germans and other swarthy types who, they believe, are creating a "bumpy playing field".

Strong rumours are circulating that England's cricketers will make similar protests against the touring Australian side who have already bagged their 7th successive Ashes Test Series. Sven Goran Eriksson, however, has dismissed such action on behalf of the England football team.

Pervey Puppetman's Pigshow has People of Padstow Piqued

A Government minister has pledged to launch a full inquiry into the handling of complaints against a season of satirical puppet shows in the Cornish town of Padstow. The council received more than 2,000 calls about Six Little Pigs in a Shallow Grave, which conned the likes of rock star Phil Collins and presenter Richard Blackwood into raising funds to support the release of Myra Hindley.

The shows have already been condemned by Home Secretary David Blunkett, who hasn't seen them. A spokesman said: "He was pretty dismayed by the shows and did not find them remotely funny."

'Sick'
Child protection minister Beverley Hughes described it as "unspeakably sick". Now culture minister Tessa Jowell wants to get in on the act. She has pledged to look into whether the Council can deal with complaints against puppet shows quickly enough.

'Decency'
She said: "As a viewer and a parent, I think it is a great shame that a public service has chosen to perform this programme of shows. If this is considered acceptable material then we are tearing down all the boundaries of decency in the theatre."

Six Little Pigs in a Shallow Grave is the brainchild of controversial satirist Maurice Christopher, whose career has already attracted hundreds of complaints. During one radio broadcast he fooled many by announcing the death of David Hasslehoff.

Defence
The show has been defended by the council's outgoing chief executive Janet Jackson, who said: "It sought to challenge the inconsistencies in the way the media approaches and sensationalises crime. Some might argue that satire is the wrong format to engage in serious debate, but often it's only when a punchline has finished that we can see the uncomfortable but serious point behind the joke."

Attacks
Residents of Padstow, to a person, have been up in arms and protesting the shows this week. The entire population of the town surrounded the theatre on Monday morning to attack Christopher and, according to one protester, to "tear those fucking puppets from limb to limb!"

Whilst they demonstrated all of their houses were burgled.

What's all the fuss about? Six Little Pigs in a Shallow Grave is just one show in a season of controversial puppetry perpetrated by evil puppetmaster Maurice Christopher. Here is a synopsis of some of the shows played to Padstow audiences this summer. Pontius Piglet A puppet parody of the crucifixion involving various farmyard animals. This was first shown at the St Austell Civic Centre one Christmas as a support slot to Sooty's Christmas in the Abyss. Christ was played by a lamb. The then bearded Christopher (who was once sacked from the staff at Fingerbob) was later arrested for crimes against puppetry. No charges were pressed, however. Six Little Pigs in a Shallow Grave Based on the Moors Murders, Ian Brady was played by the Big Bad Wolf. Miss Piggy plays Myra Hindley. The audience has to shout out "He's behind you!!!" Oedipus Pig Christopher precipitated the break-up of popular children's TV puppet show, Pipkins, back in the late 70s by luring brummie puppet character, Pig, away from the team. He was promised the lead role in Oedipus Pig at the Edinburgh Fringe. The show bombed. Pig has not been heard of, or seen since. Hartley Hare is Managing Director at Glaxo Smithkline Beecham.

Fat cats 'least likely to make packed lunch'

A survey of office based workers in the finance sector ranging from data in-putters to directors has revealed that better paid staff members are most likely to buy their lunch from a posh sandwich shop or eat at a poncey restaurant than the lower earners in the company. The survey revealed that many senior office managers have lunch laid on for them by the company, any remaining sandwiches are then patronisingly offered to lower ranking members of staff. Ms. Breville Piebus, who conducted the survey, admitted the results were not particularly surprising nor interesting. 'Fat cats are fat because they have more money to spend on food' she said, 'most people normally eat for a lesser expense and that's about it'.

NEWS BRIEFS

news just in . . . if your name's justin . . .

ARCHER IN CHOKEY CHOKER

Well known publicist and all round deviant Geoffrey Archer was yesterday convicted of perjury, fraud, corruption and intent to pervert the course of justice at Toytown magistrates court. The jury deliberated for some time even though the evidence was overwhelming against him but he was eventually convicted on all counts. Judge Pomfrey Gannet-Spam described Archer as a 'bad egg who had been naughty'. He was jailed for four minutes.

MILOSOVIC USED TIME MACHINE TO HELP HITLER
New evidence has come to light that 'Balkan Butcher' and Serb leader Slobodan Milosovic was in league with Hitler during the second world war and armed the third reich with the aid of a time machine. Milosovic, who is probably worse than Hitler, was obsessed with the Nazi leaders genocidal policies and did everything he could to further the cause of evil, a top UN boffin said today. 'Milosovic is a cold blooded killer and now he's arrested we can all feel a lot better about not doing anything in Bosnia' he added.

DOG EGG FOUND ON DOG LEG
A rare dog egg was found yesterday on Hereford municipal golf course by green keeper Jerry Maguire. The dog egg believed to be that of Roman emperor Hadrian's dog Bruno is worth around £9.99 according to leading dog egg expert Humphrey Boggart. 'We believe that Hadrian may have been walking Bruno after he had had a particularly heavy breakfast of Christians and wren spleens, the egg has been lying untouched for hundreds of years and is in remarkable condition' he never said.

GKS and CFG merger backed by DLM in GBL dispute

The Swiss industrial giant GKS along with German aggregate company CFG have merged, according to business regulators DLM. DLM (formerly FFT) are backing GKS and CFG in a pay and working conditions dispute involving British Petrochemical magnates GBL who were formerly partners with GKS along with American software specialists RGO. GKS and CFG will now become megalomaniac conglomerate LVW who will deal directly with DLM and possibly with the newly formed SBT.

Magnum Sphagnum Conundrum

American actor Tom Selleck, better known as TV's Magnum PI, is reported to be going through a 'moss nightmare' according to his agent. The back path of Magnum's Californian ranch has become so overgrown that it would be 'virtually impossible' for Magnum to clear the growth himself. Magnum is very busy at the moment said his agent, 'I think they may need him for an episode of Friends and he is also considering offers from Belarus where Magnum PI is huge'.

Fuck! - It's Official

The word Fuck is now officially a technical term - in Japan! In the users' manual for the latest model of Suzuki GSX R-750 motorcycle (pictured) the following instruction is quoted: "Never make any modifications to the aluminium alloy beam frame. Any such modifications will fuck it, and may lead to an accident."

Akira Yanarada, the technical boss at Suzuki, defended the use of the term saying "This terminology is fully justified. It is always our intention to match the specifications of our products to the needs of our customers. In this case we have utilised language consistent with, and clearly understood by, our core customer."

"Dolphin Underclass is Emerging" - Bush

George W.Bush has labelled Californian beached dolphins as "scrounging, work-shy scum". The animals, which occasionally find themselves washed-up on the beaches of the Pacific coast, are normally saved by environmental groups, rehabilitated in UCLA Marine Biology facilities, and released back into the wild following full recovery. But Bush, like his father, subscribes dogmatically to the view that any form of aid leads to an emergent underclass. "These fish are primarily seeking attention, but moreso are too lazy to find food for themselves." said the President. "If we continue to support them, they will learn that there is food for free - we must make them learn the hard way. Unless do-gooders start to leave the spounging porpoises where they wash-up, we will dramatically cut funding to the UCLA."

Mad Mao Disease on Increase

Chinese agriculture has been plunged into a state of crisis when it was discovered that a large amount of cattle were found to have Mad Mao disease. The cattle were found riding around their field on bicycles, wearing small round glasses and mooing from a small red book. This is bad news for farming in China generally as the rise in Foot and Mao cases has also been on the increase. Reports have also confirmed cases of Titomotosis in some Yugoslavian rabbits and a case of Karl Mange that is affecting a dog in Germany.

Dome home for drones?

Shock Bee Consortium in bid for Blair's Blunder
Chrust reports this
Cash starved, debt-ridden eyesore the Millennium Dome appeared to be on the verge of finding a backer last night when a group of bees tabled a package to save the metal monstrosity.

According to Surrey beekeeper, Albert Senegal-Lancer, a large group of his bees wish to inhabit the now vacant tit-shaped tin shed and turn it into a giant hive. Albert, who suffers from alcohol depression and a mild form of psychosis, mistakenly believes he can communicate with various members of the insect world. "Bees are a progressive species and they wish to expand into the property market. They have such drive and ambition and they need bigger premises. Although they can't offer sound financial backing they intend to pay with honey", he told our reporter over a beef and ale pie and several pints in the snug of the Cask & Bottle, somewhere in the Surrey countryside.

The bee consortium which has allegedly presented the package, was apparently unavailable for comment. "They're busy buzzing around and making fucking honey" Albert spluttered into our reporter's face when questioned, "thems make lovely honey" he drooled wistfully between gulps of strong lager and mouthfuls of pie.

Dome opposition groups welcomed the news of the bid and encouraged other insects to become more proactive with their approach to environmental issues. Francis Lipbalm spokesman for the environmental newspaper Green is the Colour the Countryside is our Game voiced his support, "I think it's a simply wonderful idea. Hornets, Bluebottles and Mayflies should get together and stand up and be counted. They are being exploited and they deserve a bigger slice of the pie".

The government has denied that a formal approach has been made, "We are unaware of any new developments concerning the Dome" an official-looking person said. But to fuel speculation he also stated that, "a number of bees have been seen buzzing around Number 10 recently looking very serious and business like".

Albert insists that it is only a matter of time before the bees get what they want, "It's only a matter of time before they get what they want" he shouted as our reporter prepared to leave the pub. "Tony Martin was a good lad" he yelled as he waved his fist and farted. At the time of going to press no further action from Albert or the bees seems to have materialised. To make matters worse for our reporter he found dog dirt on one of his new shoes and a passing car had lightly splashed rain water onto the bottom of his suit trousers.

Kosovan chess sets recalled

Twenty hand-carved teak chess sets were being sought in the Kossovan capital Pristina yesterday after it is believed small traces of uranium were detected on the 'ones that look like horses' a British embassy official said. The chess pieces are potentially life threatening and it has been suggested that the sets may have been sent to Hungary.

Bulls murdered

Six bulls are believed to have been ritually slaughtered in a Madrid bullring on Tuesday. Witnesses say the assailant was disguised as a Matador and was armed with a dagger. It is believed that over the period of the bullfight he systematically killed the bulls with his dagger after goading them with a red rag and waving at anyone who was watching. Police remain unsure as to the motive of the killings and currently have no idea who may have been responsible.

Leaning tower set for face lift

The leaning tower of Pisa is set to be turned into an unusual lop-sided helter-skelter, officials from the Italian town announced yesterday. Attempts to revitalise the town's ailing tourist industry have so far failed and against all sound structural advice work is soon to begin on creating the fairground favourite.

Bars in Their Eyes

BBC Crimewatch to launch new, light entertainment spin-off show shocker
A new BBC light entertainment show, Bars in their Eyes, will invite members of the public to dress up as their favourite villain and re-enact one of the crimes that put their hero on the gangster map.  "We are very excited about this new, Saturday evening format", say BBC 1's Kraytime Controllers. "We're merely tapping into the glamour element of crime. The public love gangsters and we're simply offering them the chance to step into the shoes of their heroes. It's good, old fashioned, family entertainment at its finest".  Outside sources have accused the BBC of dumbing down. [Source: Gay Icon News]

Tea-time text trauma taxes Terry

Leicester man snatched from jaws of death by mobile phone
Unemployed truck driver Terry Boggle found himself with more than he bargained for after eating twenty-seven jam filled doughnuts in his Leicester home yesterday. Unable to move after his stodge fuelled feast, clinically obese Terry, 47 found he could not get up from his sofa in order to make a life saving cup of tea.

Terry's downtrodden wife Brenda, 53, had not yet returned from her weekly shopping spree in the city's Shires centre leaving Terry alone to fend for himself. Remarkably, Terry managed to reach his mobile phone on the living room table and text his wife a message informing her of his plight. "It was like a living nightmare," said Terry from his hospital bed in the Royal infirmary where he is suffering from exhaustion and acute anxiety. " I was absolutely gasping for a cuppa as all the sugar from the doughnuts had dried out my mouth. Luckily I had the phone to text Brenda or else god only knows what might have happened". He also joked good naturedly with nurses as he sipped concentrated prune based beverages.

Brenda who has been with Terry at his bedside said "It was lucky I got to him when I did. I don't know what would have happened if Terry had not had his phone. He loves his tea and unfortunately his indolence prevented him from making a cup". The texting phenomenon sweeping the nation has once again proved it's worth as a social tool. "It has changed my life", said Terry, "I can now do things without having to move much. Anyone without a mobile phone is either a loser or a gypo. And they don't know what they're talking about", he added. Terry is now making a full recovery and hopes to be back on his sofa in a matter of days, where he intends to stay indefinitely.

Multi-national phone companies welcomed the news of Terry's miracle escape from the clutches of the grim reaper. A spokesman acting on behalf of the telecommunications business community said "This proves that mobile phones and in particular the SMS texting service are essential to almost every facet of human life and to society as a whole".

He also announced future plans to saturate the developing world with over priced technology: "Although they don't know it yet these people are going to become dependent on mobile phones. This is the age of the global village and it is important that in the world wide scheme of things no one is left behind" he said. He also echoed the sentiments of many Western powers when he added, "We want every bastard out there drinking fizzy pop, smoking fags and phoning their mates twenty-four seven".

Foreign Imports Destroying Domestic Monkey Soap Industry - says Haig

This report by Rex Fibb
Comical opposition crackpot, Willy Haig, yesterday bleated out against government policy on the ailing monkey soap industry in this country. "We are not doing enough," he said, "to protect our domestic producers," [melodramatic pause] "against the clear and present dangers presented by" [pause] "Johnny Foreigner!"

His rousing speech was was met with confused looks from government MPs, and embarrassed smiles and coughing from his own party. When questioned on the matter a government spokesgit later said "What is monkey soap?" I speculated that it might be a special soap that allows vets and pet-owners to build up a lather in the unusually coarse hair of a monkey. "Why would you want to do that?" he asked. I asked whether he, or any members of his party had ever tried to get a lather on a monkey using ordinary soap, but he just mumbled something and walked off. I lost the news.

NASA in "Payload" Drama

NASA is being sued for allowing its astronauts to crap on a man's greenhouse. Stan Upwind, from Portsmouth, claims his garden has been spattered with extra-terrestrial doings, and holds the crew of the International Space Station responsible. 'My greenhouse is covered in small white lumps of faeces,' said Mr Upwind, 'exactly like human waste that's burnt up on re-entry. And of course, there are long trails down the side of my shed as well. This indicates that they must have been travelling quickly, and is consistent with the idea that they've fallen all the way from outer space.'

'Toilets on spacecraft are notoriously smelly and cramped, and it's my suspicion that one of the astronauts couldn't be bothered, and just did it out the window whilst the others weren't looking. My money's on Dennis Tito - and his stomach problems - as the culprit. My brother-in-law runs a guesthouse in Selsy Bill, and I've seen what some of these tourists get up to.'

Mr Upwind is currently seeking compensation for a B&Q shed, new Gro-bags and a bottle of Windowlene, but is pressing for £5 million in damages as he fancies a holiday abroad somewhere.

- Norris Rhylname reporting -