Thursday 5 July 2001

Magnum Sphagnum Conundrum

American actor Tom Selleck, better known as TV's Magnum PI, is reported to be going through a 'moss nightmare' according to his agent. The back path of Magnum's Californian ranch has become so overgrown that it would be 'virtually impossible' for Magnum to clear the growth himself. Magnum is very busy at the moment said his agent, 'I think they may need him for an episode of Friends and he is also considering offers from Belarus where Magnum PI is huge'.

Wednesday 4 July 2001

Fuck! - It's Official

The word Fuck is now officially a technical term - in Japan! In the users' manual for the latest model of Suzuki GSX R-750 motorcycle (pictured) the following instruction is quoted: "Never make any modifications to the aluminium alloy beam frame. Any such modifications will fuck it, and may lead to an accident."

Akira Yanarada, the technical boss at Suzuki, defended the use of the term saying "This terminology is fully justified. It is always our intention to match the specifications of our products to the needs of our customers. In this case we have utilised language consistent with, and clearly understood by, our core customer."

Monday 2 July 2001

"Dolphin Underclass is Emerging" - Bush

George W.Bush has labelled Californian beached dolphins as "scrounging, work-shy scum". The animals, which occasionally find themselves washed-up on the beaches of the Pacific coast, are normally saved by environmental groups, rehabilitated in UCLA Marine Biology facilities, and released back into the wild following full recovery. But Bush, like his father, subscribes dogmatically to the view that any form of aid leads to an emergent underclass. "These fish are primarily seeking attention, but moreso are too lazy to find food for themselves." said the President. "If we continue to support them, they will learn that there is food for free - we must make them learn the hard way. Unless do-gooders start to leave the spounging porpoises where they wash-up, we will dramatically cut funding to the UCLA."

Sunday 1 July 2001

Mad Mao Disease on Increase

Chinese agriculture has been plunged into a state of crisis when it was discovered that a large amount of cattle were found to have Mad Mao disease. The cattle were found riding around their field on bicycles, wearing small round glasses and mooing from a small red book. This is bad news for farming in China generally as the rise in Foot and Mao cases has also been on the increase. Reports have also confirmed cases of Titomotosis in some Yugoslavian rabbits and a case of Karl Mange that is affecting a dog in Germany.