Sunday 7 October 2001

Fiesta Crashes into Little Chef

Bin Laden ruled out
Diners at the Thruxton Little Chef on the A303 experienced New York-style panic yesterday, as the rusting Ford Fiesta of farmer Roy Pigcull crashed into its entrance lobby. "Menus scattered across a radius of 3, 4 foot I'd estimate" explained brave trainee receptionist Cathy Bovine. "One of 'em caught me on the forearm and cut it slightly. S'okay though."

"It was terrifying", said diner Keith Ruddock, "I'd only just started tucking into my Little Chef Big Brekkie Special Feast and I thought " 'ello, a complex geo-political quaqmire's gonna get me - never thought that would happen." Fortunately Keith was seated safely near the Kiddie's Fun Paddock.

Police were called immediately to take suspect Pigcull away for interogation. "Me fuckin' brakes failed! That's all! Now, just coz I got a moustache and coz of the prevailing atmosphere, I'm demonised as some Koran-twisting jihad nutcase", he moaned. He was freed after a night in the cells, "just in case" according to one officer.

"You just can't tell these days can you?" remarked Eida Smythe rhetorically, "they're sneaky them Arabs". Eida helped restrain Pigcull by sitting on his chest until police arrived. Life at the eatery was slowly returning to normal this morning. "We just want to get back to what we do best", said Bovine defiantly, "and prove to Bin Laden we won't be intimidated. Even though he seems to be in the clear on this occasion."

Saturday 6 October 2001

War on Terrorism to go Pay Per View

FIWA, war's world governing body, has awarded the global television rights for the War Against Terrorism to the Kirsche Group, fuelling fears that the conflict will be exiled to pay-TV stations permanently. Kirsche is already threatening to turn proposed ground force invasions into a pay event in Britain despite legislation that says war is an event that must be free to watch.

But FIWA defended the move, saying it would intervene if Kirsche's controversial decision to auction the rights backfired. The German media group has taken over the worldwide TV rights following the collapse of Swiss marketing firm JISMM, which was running the franchise outside Europe. A FIWA spokesman said Kirsche had exercised an option to acquire the rights, adding to its ownership of the Kosovo coverage.

FIWA has also come under fire for backing Kirsche, despite the possibility that the entire event could be shown on pay-TV channels such as BSkyB and Canal Plus. The FIWA spokesman said: "It is primarily Kirsche's business, but if there is a point where we feel we need to intervene then we would, but at the moment it is still their responsibility."

Kirsche is waiting for the outcome of a House of Lords hearing, which could allow the privately owned group to overturn UK broadcasting laws. According to broadcasting legislation, war coverage must be available on free-to-air television, but greedy suits at Kirsche want an expensive auction and have accused the British government of acting fairly.

- Rex Phibb -

Dinner Lady Recipe Ring Cracked

Dawn raids were carried out early yesterday morning on five Arbroath addresses belonging to dinner ladies suspected of trading cake and pastry recipes over the internet. The suspects, all in their mid to late sixties, were found to be up and about reading Take a Break, knitting tea cosys and talking about the weather. Special branch officers who have been monitering e-mail traffic between the five dinner ladies were overjoyed with the arrests and seizure of thousands of recipes.

Cake Mistress
The recipes were found to be stored on the hard drive of a personal computer belonging to Dorothy 'Dot' McManus who is thought to have masterminded the whole operation. McManus who is reputedly known in the recipe trade as the 'Cake Mistress' or the 'Princess of Pastry' was also found to have numerous sweet pastry recipes from Thailand and the Philippines, some of them only a couple of weeks old. Unfortunately, Betty McTavish, another suspect and also mother of five children and twelve grandchildren is believed to have fled the country before the raid, possibly to the United States where recipe trading is rife.

Headless Gingerbread Men
Police also found a digital video camera in McTavish's flat which showed images of her baking a tray of scones. Detectives believe these images had been shown live on the internet to other dinner ladies and recipe users. "We've known for a long time that this has been going on", said detective inspector Graham Dobbin, who has been working tirelessly in the criminal recipe squad for more than seven years. "The internet enables people to transfer recipes far more easily, organised groups have become more ruthless in their methods. I've seen some shocking things in my time in this job, over-syruped flapjacks and ginger bread men without heads. It's disgusting."

Jamaica Cake Yardies

It is also believed that criminal and terrorist organisations such as the IRA, Jamaican Yardies and the Luftewaffe have benefitted from illegal activities in the cake industry. Calls from cake appreciation societies and village fete organisers have called on the government to ban any illegal recipe internet sites and have called for tougher sentences for offenders. "Clearly this is something of a concern" said Kathy Planetoid the cake "Czar" for the newly created Sweet and Savoury task force, "We can't have recipes falling into the wrong dangerous hands, we don't want this spreading to potato snacks or waffles. Or god only knows what will happen."

Buns
The Glasgow arrests follow arrests made earlier last year in other parts of the country. The entire staff of Harringtons Bakery in Rochester Kent were arrested and released without charge four months ago, and two weeks ago a lorry with a Bulgarian number plate full of Belgian buns were found to be out of date in Dover. Staff at the Glasgow school where the five suspects worked part-time declined to comment on the arrests and were left to make alterations to the canteen menu.

- The Chrust reported that story -

Friday 5 October 2001

Bush effigy in plea for peace: "I can't go on . . . " sobs forlorn dummy

During welcome respite from a vicious thrashing in Jacobabab, Pakistan, Bush Effigy spoke of his despair at continued fanatical efforts to "bust my sorry wooden ass". "I'm caught right in the middle of a crisis engineered by others, my only crime being a dubious resemblance to Dubya. And me a Nader guy."

"I don't know how long I can go on. I've been stomped on, thrashed with sticks, raised aloft, dropped and burnt. Repeatedly. Daily. I'm getting pretty depressed by it all" admitted the stick and cloth impersonator. He has also noticed a definite gender gap in his attackers. "Yup, they're all dudes. I didn't want to be critical of Islamic culture, but at least in the west women can participate in vile and idiotic recriminations."

"My only saving grace has been Blair Effigy. Maybe it's selfish, but I'm quietly glad when I hear the Brit has taken a twatting in some obscure Middle Eastern hellhole. That's one less for me." But maybe not enough to save Effigy from acute clinical depression according to top TV psychologist Hazy Brown. "He must be close to what I call the 'Acute Clinical Depression Zone',"she explained, "perhaps the air force could drop him a pack of my Hazy Top Stress Busta! Tips".

So far Bush Effigy has had beatings administered in major cities and towns in Pakistan, Palestine, Indonesia and the Philippines amongst others. "These people are real angry at something" revealed Effigy. Attempts by US diplomats to have Bush Effigy smuggled out have been unsuccessful. "Er . . . it's just too volatile" explained Whitehouse spokesperson P.Diddy.

"Of all the inanimate objects people use to dispel their unfulfilled impulses," lamented Effigy, "please someone, fashion me into 10 inch dildo like NOW!"

Z.Face

Thursday 4 October 2001

'Evil is evil and will not defeat decent good niceness' pledges Blair

PM Tony Blair was at the Hague yesterday rallying support for his new crusade 'against evil'. It follows what he describes as 'just far too much evil, simply'. 'For far too long' he said 'this plague has beset decent citizens in the most evil ways, as you'd expect'. He promsed EU leaders that Britain will lead a war against 'new evil, old evil and plain old evil evil'.

An intelligence task force, codenamed Operation Nobbled Evil, has been created to discuss the implications of this 'evil' and devise cost effective countermeasures. Already the 'height of evil' has been measured at 7ft 2. 'We will win' stated Blair. It will, he conceded, involve 'decisions'. It is thought that the secret service could be ordered to 'seek and destroy' the 'evilest evil ever, if we find any'.

Critics maintain that Blair remains too vague about what this evil actually is. 'Having rejected so wholeheartedly every decent human principal the Labour party ever stood for, and continuing the Thatcher project with more enthusiasm then the Tory party could, he is reacting on a subconscious level to his smiling deceit and manufacturing an illusionary war that even he believes in' said Tim Hymen, 6, of St Mary's primary school, Dorset.

The median speech pause for Mr Blair was 0.73 seconds, up just 0.02 seconds from last week's speech on how poverty will be eradicated without having to reduce the gap between the rich and poor despite claims that it is mathematically impossible.


- report by Zakface -

Christmas Crackers!

The Smudgemeister with the Latest News from the 17th World Boggle Championships in The Settlement.
Confusion, controversy and chaos threatened to overshadow a marvellous opening day's play at the 17th Inaugural World Boggle Championships here in Christmas Island yesterday, as the Pitcairn Islands and France lodged official complaints in separate incidents following their 1st round matches.

Despite record crowds, a carnival atmosphere, and near perfect playing conditions, the enduring memory for those present and the estimated 2.5 billion worldwide television audience will be the sight of French number one Didier Diddenté shedding tears all over his famous blue and white hooped team jersey after his surprise loss to Pakistan's Paul Scott, a rank outsider, competing at his first World Championship. Scott reeled off 3 straight rubbers (105-78, 111-96, 102-15) to leave Diddenté's hopes of adding the world title to his European and North American ones in tatters.

It later transpired, however, that Scott had failed to attain the necessary qualifying mark of 25 points at a single shake at any point during the qualifying period - the 3 months preceding the championships. French coach Monsieur Lafayette said at an impassioned press conference, "Le chat est dans l'armoire". Scott maintained his innocence, claiming he was not aware of any qualifying mark, "I'm just here on holiday. I wanted to see the statues", he said.

The Pitcairn Islands' Derek Moon, who so proudly carried his nation's pitiful flag in the opening ceremony, was similarly unimpressed by the antics of his 6'8" American opponent Brad Kowzlowski, who is renowned amongst Boggle aficionados for his eccentric behaviour. Kowzlowski entered the arena in a Merkava Mk III battle tank and refused to leave the turret during play. Theirs was a closer game, and though Moon ran out a narrow 3-2 (56-100, 102-95, 87-102, 110-7, 103-74) winner, his coach Derek Moot lodged an appeal with the board, on his charge's behalf. "Armour plated vehicles have no place at a Boggle match, whether it's a Sunday morning pub game or the World Championships." He went on to further accuse Kowzlowski of masturbating during the 5th rubber: "The yank lank had a wank in the tank", he said.

A spokeswoman for FIBA said she would deal with the complaints in due course. "I'd like to see any man combine administrating a worldwide sporting organisation with the demands of raising a young family", she said when we caught up with her in Roosters nightclub at 4am this morning.

Before the controversy erupted however, spectators enjoyed a fantastic day's Boggle. The top two seeds, Hossan Minky of Egypt, and the flamboyant Dave Krun of Venezuela enjoyed comfortable, straight rubber victories in front of a capacity 78,000 crowd at the purpose-built Parkerdome, and can thus now relax in the knowledge that they will play all their matches at this magnificent arena. The game of the day was undoubtedly the Transvestite Mixed Doubles first round match that saw Antarctica's golden couple; Theodore and Barbara "The Beard" Bo Bunkum overcome the colourful debutants from Luxembourg, Peter Piper and Margarita Tweedledee. In a thrilling finish, the "Icemen" came from fully 20 points behind on the final shake, Barbara conjuring up the word "logarithm" to win by a single point after an epic 7 minute encounter.

Today's highlights include an intriguing battle on table No. 2 between the 6th and 7th seeds from Honduras, brothers Felix and Caspar Gomez, and an exhibition match featuring 1973 finalists, the Isle of Wight's Arthur Shit and his nemesis in that fine 9 rubber epic, the last British winner of this tournament, Pablo Aguilera from Haverfordwest. What we wouldn't give for an all British final this time round.