Hindley reconstitutes self from scattered ashes, buttock missing

Freshly fried 'evil scum bitch Myra Hindley' (© The Sun) has dramatically reassembled herself just days after being cremated. Her lack of a left buttock, the original having been licked up by Blunkett's dog at her funeral, means she now stalks the UK with a scatter cushion as a replacement. Scientists are baffled as to how Hindley was able to execute such an ingenious escape. "I have to admit I'm completely baffled," said one.

Tabloids have responded cautiously, not wishing to have their headlines trumped by competitors. "Your Children Will Die!!!" announced a mellow Daily Mail, prompting The Sun to simply ask "Whose first?", and print the photos of dozens of happy British infants. A phone poll was withdrawn after complaints of poor taste.

Technically Hindley, whose death was a disappointment to many a journo, is now a free woman. "There are no legal grounds for her reimprisonment" admitted a Home Office spokesperson, "but we're going to rush another bill through Parliament to prevent death being used as an excuse for sentence evasion. No one escapes Tony's law."

Hindley is thought to be planning a big come back sometime in 2003. One possibility is an appearance on Celebrity Big Brother 3, maybe with Ricky from Eastenders and that bloke from Countdown.

- Z.Face -

Police in 'Greatest Hits' Initiative

Norris Rhylname reports from Scotland Yard
Home Secretary David Blunkett today announced his latest initiative against crime: more exciting police sirens. The traditional nee-naw-nee-naw sirens were replaced several years ago with US style whoo-whoo-whoo ones to make car chases sound better on Police, Camera, Action!, but this new measure involves cranking the dramatic tension up further by replacing the treble of sirens with the throbbing beat of a drum solo.

"This is a bold move, and a great boost in the fight against crime," said Chief Commisioner Tom Tomson, "we'll be looking to have about a hundred solos available, so our officers can really get into the occasion with, for example, the Miami Vice theme by Jan Hammer. We'll also have a special drum roll for when we're about to apprehend a villain, followed by a cymbal clash for the completion of the arrest".

Pensioner Finds New Dimension With Potato Peeler

Retired lollipop lady Cathy Keenan, from Cork, Ireland, has astounded scientists by creating a gap in reality in her own home. "I was peeling the tatties for dinner," said Mrs Keenan, "when the knife slipped out me hand, and there was this ruddy great light in my kitchen. 'Now would you look at that', I thought, 'I've torn a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum, so I have'.

After inadvertently opening a portal to another universe, Mrs Keenan managed to make contact with a mysterious alien being, who requested her aid.

"My Ned reckoned he could hear voices coming from the other side of the hole, then all of a sudden this fat fella pops his head out and asks if I've got any sellotape. Well anyway, we soon patched it up, and now it's all right as rain".

Last night, The Despondent's science advisor, Joe Glasses, was remaining sceptical about Mrs Keenan's story. "I'd have used at least two rolls of gaffer tape to reseal it", he said.

- Norris Rhylname -

Alien Ant Farm: christian supercolony headed for Britain!

A species of Argentine ant has developed into the largest supercolony ever recorded - and is on its way to Britain! The Jesus Ant originates from Jesuit schools in the town of Rosario. While ants from rival nests normally fight each other to the death, Jesus Ants have the ability to recognise each other, co-operate and convene mass bible readings.

Scientists think the domestic success of the ants would have led to high nest densities, which in turn would have favoured co-operative behaviour over aggression. And evolution would then have reinforced this superiority because nests devoid of internal strife would have had time and resources to fight off their enemies.

Religious leaders, however, dismiss these scientific arguments as "so much bunkum, hokum pokum and unsubstantiated nonsense". According to Reverend Stanton St Bernard - charismatic leader of the Church of Apostrophised Saints in Ogbourne St Carp, Wiltshire - the success of this super-ant is wholly attributable to the fact that "they say their prayers and read the bible, like good Christian ants. All other ants are heathen."

Whatever the reason for their success, Britain's government ministers are concerned. "Do they have valid visas?" asked David Blunkett, while Tony Blair unexpectedly dashed the hopes of the country's Christian elites: "I don't care if they read the bible," he is believed to have told a senior aid, "they're socialist scum - we'll have no upstarts here demonstrating the value of mutual aid - wipe the fuckers out."

The ants will probably come into Europe on asylum seekers.

- Portuguese Man of News -

Burgeoning Broads' Broccoli Brings World to Brink

"The world's in danger of tipping over on the left-hand side due to an excessive broccoli infestation in the Norfolk Broads" says notorious alcoholic Geoff Scrivener today. According to Mr Scrivener, "more broccoli should be exported to Luxembourg, and then it’ll be alright". In the past, Mr Scrivener has predicted the fall of the Great Wall of China, the assassination of Nigel Kennedy and the construction of the English Channel Bridge. Mr Scrivener also believes that in the future cars will run on empty crisp packets, and that nanotechnology will allow the building of little aeroplanes for caterpillars to fly around in, before they become butterflies.

BBC Chefs Arrested - illegal measurements ring suspected

Police raided BBC headquarters yesterday and arrested a number of prominent TV Chefs - among them Anthony Worrall Thompson and Gary Rhodes - on suspicion of not using metric measurements. The goggle-box gourmets have, according to the Metropolitan Police, been entreating viewers to use 'a slug of olive oil', 'a pinch of salt', and even 'a good handful of sage leaves'.

"These measurements are illegal under current Euro rulings," said Chief Superintendent Ron Dinksopp. "It's our job to make sure that the kitchens of this country are safe, and free from illegal measurements. We believe the BBC is infiltrated by a ring of illegal measurers - and we'll stop at nothing to crack it."

"Oh, and if you see Jamie Oliver, please round him up and bring him in to the nearest police station for questioning and, possibly, a bit of gratuitous torture" said the Chief Super.

- Rex Phibb -

Celebrities Battle to Pay Tribute to Spike Milligan

Top celebrities queued up today to pay tribute to legendary British funnyman, Spike Milligan, who died yesterday at his home. Spike, one of Britain's best loved comics, was 82 and had been ill for some time.

Celebrities throughout the country bombarded radio and television stations with telphone calls, anxious that their fading reminscences of Spike be broadcast to the nation. Reports of a fight between Bob Monkhouse and Barry Cryer over whose turn it was next are unsubstantiated.

"He was a great guy," Eddie Izzard told The Despondent. "I met him a couple of times and he was a super bloke, groovy! He could be a bit odd though." Mop-topped comedian and acting actor Alan Davies remembered Spike. "I was walking along the Edgware Road and a car went by. I remember thinking 'that was Spike Milligan driving!' I laughed all the way home. He was so funny."

Tributes even flocked in from those outside the world of comedy. "A wonderful, wonderful man," said top advert voiceover man, Lennie Henry. "I never met him but I think he would have been a nice, funny man to speak to."

Plans are now afoot for a feature film of Spike's life. Steven Spielberg has tentatively produced a screenplay and hopes to film it with Tom Cruise early next year. Russell Crowe has expressed interest in playing Peter Sellers and Anthony Hopkins is already signed to portray Harry Seacombe. The story will be transferred to America but Spielberg doesn't feel that UK audiences have anything to worry about. "Spike was really a universal comic, and it doesn't really matter where the story is set. It's a sort of 'Saving Private Seagoon' type movie. Spike would have loved it, loads of explosions and war, great stuff. I never met him but I'm sure he would have approved. I've heard he was a nice guy. My PA tells me people will miss him."

The pop world too is planning tributes. Dreary Irish boy band Westlife are recording their own version of The Ying Tong Song with Pop Idol Gareth Gates, in a bid for their 11th number one. Pop Idol winner, Will Young, meanwhile hopes to have a Christmas smash on his hands when he releases I'm Walking Backwards for Christmas, also written by Spike.

Politicians also expressed their sorrow at Spike's passing. "I think we met, a few years ago," Prime Minister Tony Blair told reporters. "I remember he called me an arrogant bastard! He was so very good at irony, we all laughed."

Ian Duncan Smith, however, laid the blame for Spike's death squarely at the door of beleagured Transport minister, Stephen Byers. "Spike might have been alive today if the transport links between his home and London were better. I call on Mr Byers to reconsider his position." Mr Byers made no comment but during the media interest surrounding Spike's death announced the privatisation of pavements.

- Cuban Rick -

Paintings stolen in ‘Three Ton’ Footwear Robbery

Up to three hundred paintings were stolen from a display room in London, after a school janitor was rendered unconscious with a pair of brogues, and burglar alarms were disarmed with Wellingtons. The robbers, who struck at Oak Lane Primary School in Wimbledon, got away with an entire term’s worth of artwork by classes 2B and 2C. The haul included several portraits of mummies and daddies, as well as 8-year-old Lucy Bingham’s celebrated picture of her nanny’s house. Police say the heist was executed by dangerous criminals armed with traditional footwear, and they are asking auction houses and art dealers to be vigilant for works turning up on the black market.

- Norris Rhylname -

US Air Force Grounded over DVT Claims

They call it the Land of Litigation, the United Lawsuits of America, and now the crazy ol’ US of A is set to take the quest for colossal claims to new levels. Rock Schmicker, a partner of Florida law firm Bale Schmicker Bale, is co-ordinating a multi-million dollar law-suit against the US Air Force. Scmicker said they are "happy to offer a No-Win, No-Fee service to terror suspects at the Guantanamo Bay naval base, after they received inadequate hospitality on transfer flights from Afghanistan.

"What these people went through on the transfer flights is simply unacceptable. They were unnecessarily exposed to the risk of Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT), and we believe they have strong grounds for a claim", said Schmicker yesterday. He claims that, although the prisoners were issued with earphones when they boarded the planes to Guantanamo, and were offered a glass of wine with their meals, the US Air Force stewards blatantly failed to adopt any procedures to advise passengers of the alleged risks inherent in long periods of inactivity.

Donald Rumsfeld dismissed the claims as "bogus and hypocritical". He told journalists at a press conference this morning: ""I do not feel the slightest concern at their treatment. They are being treated vastly better than they have treated anybody themselves. Have you flown Air Afghan lately?"

- Rex Phibb -

A drunken Ilford has accused Jamie Oliver of being a homosexual. Chelsea fan and local thug Graham Willis was drinking in the Spam & Chuffer in Ilford on Sunday evening when a Sainsbury's advert featuring the lovable Cockney monkey was aired between two Sky football matches. Above the deafening roar of the TV Mr Willis was heard to shout "I bet that fucker's a poof but I'd do his bird." This outburst was met with a blank silence from Mr Willis's drinking partners who don't actually know, or like, him. Jamie Oliver was unavailable for comment as he was too busy snipping Oregano from a window box in a flat that isn't his.

- Chrust -

Eastenders' Steve is Storyline Loser

Gary Kemp, the actor who plays Eastenders' Steve Owen, was seriously injured yesterday after two storylines simultaneously blew up in his face. Shortly after being assaulted by Phil Mitchell, the old New Romantic discovered that he is to be replaced by character Nathan Williams as the Square's most unconvincing gangster type.

Bruised and cut, dazed and confused, Kemp dramatically refused to be taken to hospital. He later made good progress after downing 'a lovely cup of tea' brought to him by Wendy Richards (Pauline Fower). "It was touch and go there for a while," said former child prodigy Todd Carty (Mark Fowler), "but we knew he'd be fine when he proclaimed 'Anyone fancy a swift one down the Vic?'"

- Colin Catstand in Borehamwood -

Bush Pretzel News Special

"Stop multitasking" Bush warned after Pretzel blackout
US President George W Bush was warned by political advisors not to "attempt more then one complex action at a time" after he fainted whilst choking on a pretzel. The president had been sat down watching a Michigan-Baltimore football game when he placed the miscreant salty snack in his mouth. "This could have had grave consequences for the nation" said White House spokesperson Dick Cumonit," especially at this point in our history. He really needs to be less reckless."

Well meaning supporters gathered at the White House to ceremoniously stamp upon pretzels in solidarity. "Well, ya gotta do something" yelled Shelley Greenmilk. One confused activist who burnt the Stars and Stripes in an undefined act of protest got the same treatment. "He should realise that flag stands for freedom," explained a frothing perpertrator.

Tony Blair was said to be on his way accross the Atlantic upon hearing of Mr Bush's misfortune. "He wants to see if there is absolutely any way Britain can lend support please," said a source. Already a task force comprising of inner city infants is busy providing 'bluesky thinking' on the implications for the UK.

George Bush is currently resting at his Texas ranch and expects to be back at the helm 'sometime October'.

- Z.Face -

'Pretzel of Doom' was Castro 'Prank'

The pretzel that floored US President George W Bush "looked like Osama Bin Laden" according to White House aides. The salty snack biscuit, much loved in America, became lodged in the president's throat, according to Dr Adriana Perestroika, Neurologist, "then he lost consciousness for a short time when his heart rate slowed." He slightly cut his face and bruised his lip when he fell to the floor - another statistic in the War Against Terrorism.

More experts immediately emerged from the woodwork, claiming that this was just another of Fidel Castro's pranks. "Since Kennedy's notorious 'exploding cigar' joke in the 60s, Castro and US presidents have been trading pranks on and off. This Osama-shaped pretzel is just the latest," claims Courtney Oakes of the Universtiy of Buttfuk, Idaho.

Previous 'japes' have included a whoopee cushion strategically placed under Jimmy Carter's arse at the Camp David Peace Accord, itching powder surreptitiously placed on Ronald Reagan's collar at his 1980 inauguration, and the Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba by a US-sponsored private army of Cuban exiles in 1961.

- Rex Phibb -

Bearded Historians Discover Real Reason for Stone Circles

Rex Phibb reports from the Peak District
Channel 4's Time Team believe they have discovered the real reason why our pagan forbears built stone circles. Over the course of a four week excavation, the long-haired, bearded and rainbow-sweatered historians pieced together vital evidence pointing to the likelihood that stone circles, such as Stonehenge, were primitive quiz show arenas.

Laughing at the end of every sentence, Time Team stalwart Phil Harding said that they had found stone tablets like those held by William G.Stewart at the Arbor Low stone circle in Derbyshire. "Don't you think it's just a little more than coincidence that the circle looks just like the 15 to 1 stage?" he concluded. "It's unlikely that they'd have been asked questions on films and pop music," said Tony Robinson, "rather they would have posed questions like 'how fucking cold do you think it is now?'"

The Time Team Stone Circle special is due to go out on April 1st.