Pensioner Finds New Dimension With Potato Peeler

Retired lollipop lady Cathy Keenan, from Cork, Ireland, has astounded scientists by creating a gap in reality in her own home. "I was peeling the tatties for dinner," said Mrs Keenan, "when the knife slipped out me hand, and there was this ruddy great light in my kitchen. 'Now would you look at that', I thought, 'I've torn a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum, so I have'.

After inadvertently opening a portal to another universe, Mrs Keenan managed to make contact with a mysterious alien being, who requested her aid.

"My Ned reckoned he could hear voices coming from the other side of the hole, then all of a sudden this fat fella pops his head out and asks if I've got any sellotape. Well anyway, we soon patched it up, and now it's all right as rain".

Last night, The Despondent's science advisor, Joe Glasses, was remaining sceptical about Mrs Keenan's story. "I'd have used at least two rolls of gaffer tape to reseal it", he said.

- Norris Rhylname -

Alien Ant Farm: christian supercolony headed for Britain!

A species of Argentine ant has developed into the largest supercolony ever recorded - and is on its way to Britain! The Jesus Ant originates from Jesuit schools in the town of Rosario. While ants from rival nests normally fight each other to the death, Jesus Ants have the ability to recognise each other, co-operate and convene mass bible readings.

Scientists think the domestic success of the ants would have led to high nest densities, which in turn would have favoured co-operative behaviour over aggression. And evolution would then have reinforced this superiority because nests devoid of internal strife would have had time and resources to fight off their enemies.

Religious leaders, however, dismiss these scientific arguments as "so much bunkum, hokum pokum and unsubstantiated nonsense". According to Reverend Stanton St Bernard - charismatic leader of the Church of Apostrophised Saints in Ogbourne St Carp, Wiltshire - the success of this super-ant is wholly attributable to the fact that "they say their prayers and read the bible, like good Christian ants. All other ants are heathen."

Whatever the reason for their success, Britain's government ministers are concerned. "Do they have valid visas?" asked David Blunkett, while Tony Blair unexpectedly dashed the hopes of the country's Christian elites: "I don't care if they read the bible," he is believed to have told a senior aid, "they're socialist scum - we'll have no upstarts here demonstrating the value of mutual aid - wipe the fuckers out."

The ants will probably come into Europe on asylum seekers.

- Portuguese Man of News -