Sunday 20 November 2011

Wener Lands Middle Eastern Woman Job

Former Sleeper front-chick Louise Wener has finally found a job. Years after the break-up of her Indie-lite, chart-bothering guitar outfit, and her subsequent but brief literary career, the raven-haired beauty has taken to acting and modelling, with her agent immediately landing her the plum job of Equity's 'Official Middle Eastern Woman'.

The contract gives Wener sole rights to appear as the distressed, tearful face of the strife-torn Middle Eastern states in all UK media. Her agent is currently on an anti-peacekeeping mission in the region.

She takes over from actress Jayne Chesterfield who, after 9 years in the role, has quit, quoting: "I didn't think the role was challenging me anymore. It's time to move on, and my agent has found me a good part in an upcoming detergent commercial."

- Cyrano de Basingstoke -

Saturday 12 November 2011

Justine Greening, Secretary of State for Transport, yesterday uncovered plans to replace Railtrack with a company made of Lego. "We have listened to rail users and we have drawn up a solution that meets both their needs and those of the taxpayer. Railtrack has failed us. I believe that in LegoTrack we have found that company. I will stake my job on it - on the line, if you'll excuse the pun."

She went on to outline the advantages of the scheme: "Lego is cheap, plentiful and easy to use. Even my son, Myles, who is four and has no arms can use it. The LEGO brand is an integrated universe of experiences contributing to more fun and play. We could have throwbots and everything - the possibilities are endless."

It is thought that all trains will carry spare track with them in case of emergencies. Where, for instance, there is a leaf, passengers could assist the driver in building a new track around the leaf.

- Rex Phibb -

Tuesday 8 November 2011

Broadcasting news: Terry Takes a Trip

The beleaguered management of Channel 5 is under fire yet again, following the filming of the “fly-on-the-wall” documentary Terry Takes a Trip, in which the nation’s favourite broadcaster, Terry Wogan, drank coffee which had been spiked with LSD by ratings-hungry C5 executives. Fans of the veteran disc jockey listened aghast as his usually agreeable blarney degenerated into the ravings of a drug-addled OAP. “If you’re running for the 8.25, you’ve missed it,” said Wogan with his usual velvety burr. “Jesus, there’s a bicycle growing out of me head! Don’t mind if I do, missus!”

Terry Takes a Trip is scheduled to be screened this Friday at 9 p.m., and every two hours thereafter.

Saturday 5 November 2011

Fruit & Veg Vendor Shocks Academic World

A fruit & Veg vendor from the Lincolnshire market town of Horncastle has shocked the academic world - by not abusing the apostrophe.

Lucy Tuttle, proprietor of Tuttle's Fruit & Veg has broken with years of tradition in the market trade by dispensing with apostrophes where the noun in question is plural. And, going completely against the grain, she has adopted the practice of inserting an apostrophe to denote possession.

"Well, the veg stall belongs to the Tuttles, doesn't it - it's not a load of Tuttles, just the one family, like", she explained. "And as for the tomatoes, well, they don't own nothing, does they? There's just loads of 'em."

- Rex Phibb -

Wednesday 2 November 2011

Study Reveals over 90% of Crows take scenic route

A study commissioned by the University of Monmouthshire, has revealed that 94% of crows take the scenic route. "You can throw away you're route planners", said Kelvin Praxis, the report's author, "they're bloody useless."

Sunday 30 October 2011

Nun Shocks Catholic World

Sister Theresa Martin, a nun with the Sisters of St. Kevin of Blackpool, has shocked the Catholic church to its core by filing for divorce - from Jesus! Sister Theresa is citing bigamy in her prosecution: "When I became a nun, I was told that I was marrying Jesus. Anyway, I was talking with some fellow sisters the other day, and it turns out that he's only gone and married them too, the cheating old so and so!"

"This is a tricky one," said Kevin Goodnight of the Catholic Bugle. "Cannonically viewed, bigamy denotes the condition of a man married to two real or interpretative wives in succession, rather than simultaneously - which is technically polygamy. Jesus might escape on a technicality."

"Whatever happens, the Catholic Church will end up with ecclesiastical egg all over their papist faces," laughed Betty Bowers of the rival Landover Baptist Church, Utah. "Firstly, their Jesus has let himself down badly, and secondly, divorce is a sin. Either way, I think this proves a point, doesn't it?"

Thursday 27 October 2011

3 Month Old Foetus Robs 92 Year Old Woman for Chunky Kit Kat

Z.Face reports from West London
Ealing residents were in a state of shock today after the severe mugging of 92 year old Edith George by a 3 month old foetus. The foetus, known only as 'Blade' was armed with 4lbs of semtex and a 9 inch bowie knife. After watching Edith shimmy back up the drainpipe to her fourth floor flat he struck.

'What is the world coming to?' asked an exasperated John Chisel as he poured over hard hitting coverage in the Daily Mail, 'it says here the mugger was probably an immigrant, but they can't tell'.

'The tiny little buggers are always causing havoc, slithering over old people's spectacles or taunting you with their "I can still be anything you stupid old fucker" comments' said Park Hill resident Ped Korrk.

David Cameron was reportedly 'shocked' by the 'news' and has 'ordered' Home Secretary Theresa May to draft a bill that will outlaw foetus's carrying semtex and bowie knives in the future. Currently the law doesn't cover the pre-born. 'Clearly this is the responsibility of the parents' said a Cameron aid, 'no one can blame society for this one, as the perpetrator has never experienced it.' May is said to be keen on detaining, 'but not imprisoning', the parents or possible parents of such evil little bastards. 'We have the technology' she claimed, 'trust us'.

'The press is trying to paralyse us with fear, and it makes good copy after all' explained Dr Faustus Tramp of Bexley University, 'but the truth is this kind of thing is nothing new. The 17th century saw a spate of foetus crime, including the famous highway robber Little Wee Tiny Jock McJock who terrorised wealthy travellers until his inevitable birth.'

Monday 24 October 2011

Alternative Energy Danger! says oil industry

Oil industry chiefs and nuclear power mandarins have spoken out about the dangers of alternative energy. In a report called Alternative Energy: DANGER!, published by the United League of Traditional Fuel Producers, they say that alternative energy sources, such as wind and wave generation, are dangerous.

"These sources are dangerous", says Briony Pipe, spokesperson for the league. "What most people don't realise is that scientific research has shown that there are a limited number of waves in the sea or gusts of wind in the sky. If you start to build wind generators willy-nilly, then you are going to exhaust nature's supply of natural breeze. Where would the nation's washing lines be then?"

- Cyrano de Basingstoke -

Friday 21 October 2011

Dale's Farm

Minutes leaked from Home Secretary Theresa May’s ministerial meetings have revealed efforts by Channel 5 to turn the Dale Farm evictions into a live reality show. It is alleged that the proposal by Channel 5 executives was for a show, hosted by Dale Winton, to turn over decision making powers on the tenancy rights of Dale Farm residents to the voting public. The TV extravaganza, thought to be called Dale’s Farm, was believed to be the brainchild of Simon Cowell, and was to include a Question Time-like panel featuring Theresa May herself, Lord Sugar, Carol Vorderman and Dappy from N-Dubs.

In the proposal for the show, hurriedly drafted and submitted to the Home Secretary’s office, the benefits of adopting this approach were listed as improving public participation and interest in politics, raising valuable funds for the public purse (via premium voting line charges) and, importantly, absolving the government and judiciary from any blame whatsoever. Whilst May is said to have been tempted by the role of Pontius Pilate, and is alleged to have likened the Dale Farm squatters to a "Barabus-like rabble", she ultimately had to pass up the opportunity due to the time constraints involved.

Dappy was unavailable for comment.

Monkey Business: supermarket giant to employ chimps

Supermarket giant ASDA is to employ chimpanzees on its checkout ailses. The chimps will be given, initially at least, a limited role - they will dispense cashback money.

Chief executive of the ASDA chain, George Asda, has hit back at critics' accusations that this move is designed to put pressure on wages payable to staff. "Cash-Back Monkeys will have a very specific, and complementary, role," he said, before adding: "Our research has found that people like animals, and they adore chimps - as has been proven by the longevity of the PG Tips advertisements. This move is designed to add to the customer experience - not, I repeat NOT, to reduce costs or introduce efficiencies."

But union leaders remain unconvinced. "I'd like the management to give workers the assurances that the monkeys will not be taking their jobs." said union representative Bobby Jackdaw. But Mr.Asda said "I can only talk about our current plans - and there are no plans to replace workers with chimps. But, you know, chimps are bloody clever, and they're ambitious too. So let's wait and see."

The chain also announced this week that all employees will have to change their surname to Asda. Even the monkeys.

- Rex Phibb -

Monday 17 October 2011

Supermarket Trolley Found - police suspect foul play

A supermarket trolley discovered in the Grand Union Canal near Watford has been identified as one that went missing from Sainsbury's. Police said the trolley, which had not been seen since 20th November, had suffered severe damage to the wheels, probably from overloading, and a bent frame, the likely result of a low speed collision.

Assistants at Sainsbury's told our reporter that the trolley had become increasingly unhappy, and that it said it was "tired of being pushed around". It was last seen talking to a group of drunken revellers in the early hours of November 20. Barton St Hillier, store manager at the Watford Town Centre branch, said that this should be a lesson to all trolleys not to stray from the premises.

A group of students are helping the police with their enquiries.

Saturday 15 October 2011

Local Man Builds Stupid Car

Harrow resident, Jarvis McLucre, has invented what he believes is the world's most environmentally friendly car - literally a pile of sand. "I first got the idea during Lawrence of Arabia one Sunday afternoon. I thought, those dunes are moving, slowly but surely." A quick trip to the local builders yard and Jarvis was away.

The car relies on wind power for propulsion, and is, by Jarvis's admittance, "a little slow, more so when it's raining". "It's perfect for these crazy times mind. When I'm feeling a bit haraunged by the pace of life, I go for a ride and....nirvanaaaaahhh." Mr McLucre is quick to point out the many advantages of having a car made of sand, or 'dune buggy' as he prefers to call it. Apparently it is very cheap to run,easy to repair, features molded seats and leaves no harmful fumes, though "a grain trail is not unusual".

Jarvis's neighbours are supportive if bewildered. "He's harmless I suppose," mumbled Notty Pearson, "and the kids love to play on it when he's not around." Is there a future for this extraordinary vehicle? Jarvis isn't hopeful. "The big car companies don't want this kind of thing. Basically anyone can make a cheap car according to their needs, that ain't good news for Vauxhall." As your Despondent reporter headed off, a scream from Mr McLucre gave away another drawback. "If I ever get my hands on that fucking labrador . . ."
- Z.Face -

Saturday 8 October 2011

Bee Commits Suicide

A post mortem examination has revealed that a Bumble Bee from Tastletyne Road, Cobham, died from suicide, after overdosing on pollen. The 13-week-old bee was found dead outside her hive in Cobham just days before Christmas last year.The Inquest revealed that she was obsessed by her weight.

According to Surrey beekeeper, Albert Senegal-Lancer, the bumble bee had constantly droned on to him about her overweight condition, and how she wanted to be "slim and beautiful" like a honey bee. "I tried to convince her that she wasn't overweight", said Senegal-Lancer at the Inquest, "and that she only appeared so, because of the large volume of hair on her body. But she wouldn't have any of it, and told me to buzz-off."

The Inquest also went on to say that she had a morbid fascination with the controversial rapper Eminem, and was influenced by the suicide of rock star Jim Morrison, thinking it would be "cool" to end her life with "guns ablazing" after watching a documentary on the The Doors singer. The bee had 89 milligrams per 100 millilitres of pollen in her body on the day she died.

- Rex Phibb -

vaguely related story: Dome Home For Drones - Bee consortium in shock bid)

Wednesday 5 October 2011

Cheese Found Dead

A 4lb block of Red Leicester cheese was found dead yesterday. Police in Lymeswolde suspect foul play. The cheese had been garroted in its home at the Cheese Board Deli. Two foreign cheeses, thought to be a Parmesan and a Brie, have been arrested by the police. It's thought that they were involved in a bizarre love cheese triangle.

Friday 30 September 2011

Foetus makes GCSE history

A four-month-old foetus has become the youngest pupil to pass a higher level GCSE exam. Niraj Dasgupta has received a grade B in Metalwork, after studying for four hours a week at a private college in Watford, Hertfordshire.

It is the second time in two years that students from Ryde College have made GCSE history. Last year, two-month-old Emily Porter-Siggurdsdottir became the youngest person to pass a GCSE, after gaining a C grade in Practical Beekeeping. Next year, pupils as young as two-day-old sperm are set to be entered for the exam by the college.

His mother Harsha, 32, a fund accountant for an insurance company, burst into tears when she discovered Nirav had passed the exam. "He has done extremely well. I'm very proud of him. It's all through hard work, pure dedication, and he's loved it, every minute of it. "Nirav has thoroughly enjoyed learning about metal. It started when I went to do a summer course at the college and he picked it up from there.

"He is a normal foetus who also loves football and is looking forward to playing on his PlayStation all the time." College Managing Director Michael Ryde said: "It's fabulous, it's absolutely fantastic. He did a higher tier paper which is the hardest paper you can do at GCSE. Nobody else has ever done so well at such a young age." Nirav, who is being taken to Disneyland in Paris on Friday by his mother as a reward, wants to join the Royal Navy when he grows up so he can travel the world.

The exam boards dismissed any suggestion that GCSEs were too easy, despite the rise in top grades awarded.

Thursday 22 September 2011

God is Dead?

Vatican to 'kill-off' God in bid to boost interest for flailing religion
Sources close to the hallowed city have revealed that after years of deterioration, God is to be 'knocked-off' in a brand new testament that bids to win back converts from 'the other major players, secular ideologies and loads of dumb ass new age philosophies'.

The new installment ('The Murdoch Years') is being written right now by a select team including Catholic heavyweights, media consultants and top script writers including 'a dude from Ugly Betty'. It promises to be just as violent, sleazy and over the top as the original. Anticipating adverse reactions from traditionalists, our source stated 'people should not be hasty in casting the first stone. This will be very exciting indeed. Besides the Pope has granted full backing, so tough titties. And besides, if Bobby fucking Ewing can make a dramtic comeback then . . .' Other plans include the return of Jesus as a hip nu metal rapper who 'misunderstood by authorities, will lead his minions towards the light with righteous rhymes at various summer rock festivals.'

And what of the rumours that the Church was planning a corporate takeover of Islam and Judaism? Focus groups have repeatedly shown that many consumers don't understand 'what the fuck is going on' in religion, given the many conflicting doctrines available. A 'one-stop shop would really focus holy resources' according to M.Manson of LAbiA Marketing Strategists. Our source remained noncommittal on this issue - 'Well, it would allow us to sort the Jesus thing out, but I really can't say any more.'

- Z.Face -