Radish Rages Against the Running Cheat Machines

In the wake of yet another disappointing World Athletics Championships, where dozens of foreigncountries won many more medals than the UK, British athletes have hit out against "training cheats". Team GB runners, jumpers and throwers rallied around captain Paula Radish (who came a gallant fourth in the 10,000m final) at trackside to demonstrate against Americans, Russians, Germans and other swarthy types who, they believe, are creating a "bumpy playing field".

"These athletes," she said, "are creating a bumpy playing field. They are gaining an unfair advantage over our homegrown talent, by using performance-enhancing training methods." When pressed, one British runner revealed that these methods included things such as "running long distances to increase lung capacity and stamina, practicing race starts to save vital seconds, and participating in diets free from processed foods and cigarettes." Many of them, it is believed, go to bed early on the night before a race.

In the wake of yet another disappointing World Athletics Championships, where dozens of foreigncountries won many more medals than the UK, British athletes have hit out against "training cheats". Team GB runners, jumpers and throwers rallied around captain Paula Radish (who came a gallant fourth in the 10,000m final) at trackside to demonstrate against Americans, Russians, Germans and other swarthy types who, they believe, are creating a "bumpy playing field".

Strong rumours are circulating that England's cricketers will make similar protests against the touring Australian side who have already bagged their 7th successive Ashes Test Series. Sven Goran Eriksson, however, has dismissed such action on behalf of the England football team.