Thursday 28 February 2002

BBC Chefs Arrested - illegal measurements ring suspected

Police raided BBC headquarters yesterday and arrested a number of prominent TV Chefs - among them Anthony Worrall Thompson and Gary Rhodes - on suspicion of not using metric measurements. The goggle-box gourmets have, according to the Metropolitan Police, been entreating viewers to use 'a slug of olive oil', 'a pinch of salt', and even 'a good handful of sage leaves'.

"These measurements are illegal under current Euro rulings," said Chief Superintendent Ron Dinksopp. "It's our job to make sure that the kitchens of this country are safe, and free from illegal measurements. We believe the BBC is infiltrated by a ring of illegal measurers - and we'll stop at nothing to crack it."

"Oh, and if you see Jamie Oliver, please round him up and bring him in to the nearest police station for questioning and, possibly, a bit of gratuitous torture" said the Chief Super.

- Rex Phibb -

Wednesday 27 February 2002

Celebrities Battle to Pay Tribute to Spike Milligan

Top celebrities queued up today to pay tribute to legendary British funnyman, Spike Milligan, who died yesterday at his home. Spike, one of Britain's best loved comics, was 82 and had been ill for some time.

Celebrities throughout the country bombarded radio and television stations with telphone calls, anxious that their fading reminscences of Spike be broadcast to the nation. Reports of a fight between Bob Monkhouse and Barry Cryer over whose turn it was next are unsubstantiated.

"He was a great guy," Eddie Izzard told The Despondent. "I met him a couple of times and he was a super bloke, groovy! He could be a bit odd though." Mop-topped comedian and acting actor Alan Davies remembered Spike. "I was walking along the Edgware Road and a car went by. I remember thinking 'that was Spike Milligan driving!' I laughed all the way home. He was so funny."

Tributes even flocked in from those outside the world of comedy. "A wonderful, wonderful man," said top advert voiceover man, Lennie Henry. "I never met him but I think he would have been a nice, funny man to speak to."

Plans are now afoot for a feature film of Spike's life. Steven Spielberg has tentatively produced a screenplay and hopes to film it with Tom Cruise early next year. Russell Crowe has expressed interest in playing Peter Sellers and Anthony Hopkins is already signed to portray Harry Seacombe. The story will be transferred to America but Spielberg doesn't feel that UK audiences have anything to worry about. "Spike was really a universal comic, and it doesn't really matter where the story is set. It's a sort of 'Saving Private Seagoon' type movie. Spike would have loved it, loads of explosions and war, great stuff. I never met him but I'm sure he would have approved. I've heard he was a nice guy. My PA tells me people will miss him."

The pop world too is planning tributes. Dreary Irish boy band Westlife are recording their own version of The Ying Tong Song with Pop Idol Gareth Gates, in a bid for their 11th number one. Pop Idol winner, Will Young, meanwhile hopes to have a Christmas smash on his hands when he releases I'm Walking Backwards for Christmas, also written by Spike.

Politicians also expressed their sorrow at Spike's passing. "I think we met, a few years ago," Prime Minister Tony Blair told reporters. "I remember he called me an arrogant bastard! He was so very good at irony, we all laughed."

Ian Duncan Smith, however, laid the blame for Spike's death squarely at the door of beleagured Transport minister, Stephen Byers. "Spike might have been alive today if the transport links between his home and London were better. I call on Mr Byers to reconsider his position." Mr Byers made no comment but during the media interest surrounding Spike's death announced the privatisation of pavements.

- Cuban Rick -

Tuesday 5 February 2002

Paintings stolen in ‘Three Ton’ Footwear Robbery

Up to three hundred paintings were stolen from a display room in London, after a school janitor was rendered unconscious with a pair of brogues, and burglar alarms were disarmed with Wellingtons. The robbers, who struck at Oak Lane Primary School in Wimbledon, got away with an entire term’s worth of artwork by classes 2B and 2C. The haul included several portraits of mummies and daddies, as well as 8-year-old Lucy Bingham’s celebrated picture of her nanny’s house. Police say the heist was executed by dangerous criminals armed with traditional footwear, and they are asking auction houses and art dealers to be vigilant for works turning up on the black market.

- Norris Rhylname -

Saturday 2 February 2002

US Air Force Grounded over DVT Claims

They call it the Land of Litigation, the United Lawsuits of America, and now the crazy ol’ US of A is set to take the quest for colossal claims to new levels. Rock Schmicker, a partner of Florida law firm Bale Schmicker Bale, is co-ordinating a multi-million dollar law-suit against the US Air Force. Scmicker said they are "happy to offer a No-Win, No-Fee service to terror suspects at the Guantanamo Bay naval base, after they received inadequate hospitality on transfer flights from Afghanistan.

"What these people went through on the transfer flights is simply unacceptable. They were unnecessarily exposed to the risk of Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT), and we believe they have strong grounds for a claim", said Schmicker yesterday. He claims that, although the prisoners were issued with earphones when they boarded the planes to Guantanamo, and were offered a glass of wine with their meals, the US Air Force stewards blatantly failed to adopt any procedures to advise passengers of the alleged risks inherent in long periods of inactivity.

Donald Rumsfeld dismissed the claims as "bogus and hypocritical". He told journalists at a press conference this morning: ""I do not feel the slightest concern at their treatment. They are being treated vastly better than they have treated anybody themselves. Have you flown Air Afghan lately?"

- Rex Phibb -