Dome home for drones?

Shock Bee Consortium in bid for Blair's Blunder
Chrust reports this
Cash starved, debt-ridden eyesore the Millennium Dome appeared to be on the verge of finding a backer last night when a group of bees tabled a package to save the metal monstrosity.

According to Surrey beekeeper, Albert Senegal-Lancer, a large group of his bees wish to inhabit the now vacant tit-shaped tin shed and turn it into a giant hive. Albert, who suffers from alcohol depression and a mild form of psychosis, mistakenly believes he can communicate with various members of the insect world. "Bees are a progressive species and they wish to expand into the property market. They have such drive and ambition and they need bigger premises. Although they can't offer sound financial backing they intend to pay with honey", he told our reporter over a beef and ale pie and several pints in the snug of the Cask & Bottle, somewhere in the Surrey countryside.

The bee consortium which has allegedly presented the package, was apparently unavailable for comment. "They're busy buzzing around and making fucking honey" Albert spluttered into our reporter's face when questioned, "thems make lovely honey" he drooled wistfully between gulps of strong lager and mouthfuls of pie.

Dome opposition groups welcomed the news of the bid and encouraged other insects to become more proactive with their approach to environmental issues. Francis Lipbalm spokesman for the environmental newspaper Green is the Colour the Countryside is our Game voiced his support, "I think it's a simply wonderful idea. Hornets, Bluebottles and Mayflies should get together and stand up and be counted. They are being exploited and they deserve a bigger slice of the pie".

The government has denied that a formal approach has been made, "We are unaware of any new developments concerning the Dome" an official-looking person said. But to fuel speculation he also stated that, "a number of bees have been seen buzzing around Number 10 recently looking very serious and business like".

Albert insists that it is only a matter of time before the bees get what they want, "It's only a matter of time before they get what they want" he shouted as our reporter prepared to leave the pub. "Tony Martin was a good lad" he yelled as he waved his fist and farted. At the time of going to press no further action from Albert or the bees seems to have materialised. To make matters worse for our reporter he found dog dirt on one of his new shoes and a passing car had lightly splashed rain water onto the bottom of his suit trousers.

Kosovan chess sets recalled

Twenty hand-carved teak chess sets were being sought in the Kossovan capital Pristina yesterday after it is believed small traces of uranium were detected on the 'ones that look like horses' a British embassy official said. The chess pieces are potentially life threatening and it has been suggested that the sets may have been sent to Hungary.

Bulls murdered

Six bulls are believed to have been ritually slaughtered in a Madrid bullring on Tuesday. Witnesses say the assailant was disguised as a Matador and was armed with a dagger. It is believed that over the period of the bullfight he systematically killed the bulls with his dagger after goading them with a red rag and waving at anyone who was watching. Police remain unsure as to the motive of the killings and currently have no idea who may have been responsible.

Leaning tower set for face lift

The leaning tower of Pisa is set to be turned into an unusual lop-sided helter-skelter, officials from the Italian town announced yesterday. Attempts to revitalise the town's ailing tourist industry have so far failed and against all sound structural advice work is soon to begin on creating the fairground favourite.

Bars in Their Eyes

BBC Crimewatch to launch new, light entertainment spin-off show shocker
A new BBC light entertainment show, Bars in their Eyes, will invite members of the public to dress up as their favourite villain and re-enact one of the crimes that put their hero on the gangster map.  "We are very excited about this new, Saturday evening format", say BBC 1's Kraytime Controllers. "We're merely tapping into the glamour element of crime. The public love gangsters and we're simply offering them the chance to step into the shoes of their heroes. It's good, old fashioned, family entertainment at its finest".  Outside sources have accused the BBC of dumbing down. [Source: Gay Icon News]