A drunken Ilford has accused Jamie Oliver of being a homosexual. Chelsea fan and local thug Graham Willis was drinking in the Spam & Chuffer in Ilford on Sunday evening when a Sainsbury's advert featuring the lovable Cockney monkey was aired between two Sky football matches. Above the deafening roar of the TV Mr Willis was heard to shout "I bet that fucker's a poof but I'd do his bird." This outburst was met with a blank silence from Mr Willis's drinking partners who don't actually know, or like, him. Jamie Oliver was unavailable for comment as he was too busy snipping Oregano from a window box in a flat that isn't his.

- Chrust -

Eastenders' Steve is Storyline Loser

Gary Kemp, the actor who plays Eastenders' Steve Owen, was seriously injured yesterday after two storylines simultaneously blew up in his face. Shortly after being assaulted by Phil Mitchell, the old New Romantic discovered that he is to be replaced by character Nathan Williams as the Square's most unconvincing gangster type.

Bruised and cut, dazed and confused, Kemp dramatically refused to be taken to hospital. He later made good progress after downing 'a lovely cup of tea' brought to him by Wendy Richards (Pauline Fower). "It was touch and go there for a while," said former child prodigy Todd Carty (Mark Fowler), "but we knew he'd be fine when he proclaimed 'Anyone fancy a swift one down the Vic?'"

- Colin Catstand in Borehamwood -

Bush Pretzel News Special

"Stop multitasking" Bush warned after Pretzel blackout
US President George W Bush was warned by political advisors not to "attempt more then one complex action at a time" after he fainted whilst choking on a pretzel. The president had been sat down watching a Michigan-Baltimore football game when he placed the miscreant salty snack in his mouth. "This could have had grave consequences for the nation" said White House spokesperson Dick Cumonit," especially at this point in our history. He really needs to be less reckless."

Well meaning supporters gathered at the White House to ceremoniously stamp upon pretzels in solidarity. "Well, ya gotta do something" yelled Shelley Greenmilk. One confused activist who burnt the Stars and Stripes in an undefined act of protest got the same treatment. "He should realise that flag stands for freedom," explained a frothing perpertrator.

Tony Blair was said to be on his way accross the Atlantic upon hearing of Mr Bush's misfortune. "He wants to see if there is absolutely any way Britain can lend support please," said a source. Already a task force comprising of inner city infants is busy providing 'bluesky thinking' on the implications for the UK.

George Bush is currently resting at his Texas ranch and expects to be back at the helm 'sometime October'.

- Z.Face -

'Pretzel of Doom' was Castro 'Prank'

The pretzel that floored US President George W Bush "looked like Osama Bin Laden" according to White House aides. The salty snack biscuit, much loved in America, became lodged in the president's throat, according to Dr Adriana Perestroika, Neurologist, "then he lost consciousness for a short time when his heart rate slowed." He slightly cut his face and bruised his lip when he fell to the floor - another statistic in the War Against Terrorism.

More experts immediately emerged from the woodwork, claiming that this was just another of Fidel Castro's pranks. "Since Kennedy's notorious 'exploding cigar' joke in the 60s, Castro and US presidents have been trading pranks on and off. This Osama-shaped pretzel is just the latest," claims Courtney Oakes of the Universtiy of Buttfuk, Idaho.

Previous 'japes' have included a whoopee cushion strategically placed under Jimmy Carter's arse at the Camp David Peace Accord, itching powder surreptitiously placed on Ronald Reagan's collar at his 1980 inauguration, and the Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba by a US-sponsored private army of Cuban exiles in 1961.

- Rex Phibb -

Bearded Historians Discover Real Reason for Stone Circles

Rex Phibb reports from the Peak District
Channel 4's Time Team believe they have discovered the real reason why our pagan forbears built stone circles. Over the course of a four week excavation, the long-haired, bearded and rainbow-sweatered historians pieced together vital evidence pointing to the likelihood that stone circles, such as Stonehenge, were primitive quiz show arenas.

Laughing at the end of every sentence, Time Team stalwart Phil Harding said that they had found stone tablets like those held by William G.Stewart at the Arbor Low stone circle in Derbyshire. "Don't you think it's just a little more than coincidence that the circle looks just like the 15 to 1 stage?" he concluded. "It's unlikely that they'd have been asked questions on films and pop music," said Tony Robinson, "rather they would have posed questions like 'how fucking cold do you think it is now?'"

The Time Team Stone Circle special is due to go out on April 1st.