Old Lady in Mayoral Race

Radical Program to 'Tidy Up London'
In a move that shook the political establishment to its very core, Mrs Agnes Norb of Dulwich, this morning announced that she would be running for Mayor of London with a radical programme to 'Tidy Up Our Capital. "Our capital is just too messy", explained the saucy septagenarian, "and I can't bear it. I intend to square everything off nicely." Her plan is to take the bits of London that flail about the edges and move them so that London is as squared-off as possible. Her aim is to attain Pythagorus' classical golden rectangle.

Her brilliant plan (shown below) will see half of Havering sliced off, rotated through 180º and moved just east of Bromley. There will be similar relocations for parts of Bromley, Sutton, Croydon, Enfield and Barnet. Mrs Norb would like to see any spaces filled up with fragments of Norwich.

Cheese Found

Cheese, with an estimated street value of over £560,000 was found by Customs & Excise Officers this weekend - on a boat from France. The stinking dairy product, believed to be Camembert, was destined for one of the country's major super-markets.

"Errrrrrrr . . . It's frightening" said a spokeswoman. "Anybody could just walk in off the street and buy the stuff." Experts believe this is just the tip of the iceberg, and that the country's supermarkets are awash with the product - most of it from abroad.

Farmer's Wife in 'GM Potato' Mularkey

This report by Norris Rhylnam
Fears over the safety of GM crops increased yesterday after it emerged that a farmer's wife had been the victim of a 'genetically modified' potato. Mrs Janet Crenshaw, 26, was attacked whilst working on a plot of land at her Somerset home. Her husband, John, who co-owns the Nature's Plot Organic Food Company in Bridgwater, Somerset, witnessed the assault. 'I only saw it from afar,' he said, 'but it was very large, and seemed to be trying to flatten my wife into the ground. I could tell she was in distress as I could hear her screaming "Oh God, oh God". I can only think it came from another farm - we're all organic here.' The mutant spud then made its escape across the field as Mr Crenshaw approached, vanishing as inexplicably as it had appeared.

Ironically, Mr Crenshaw's business partner, Tom Wilson, had been promoting the company's own, organic produce in Bridgwater that very morning. Mr Wilson, 28, who dresses as a large vegetable to hand out Nature's Plot leaflets, said, 'Oh dear, how awful. She's a very lovely lady.' The assault, which occurred in September of last year, left Mrs Crenshaw in shock and, said Mr Crenshaw, 'subject to bouts of sickness, particularly in the morning.' Monotech corporation Biosanto yesterday denied any knowledge of the incident, whilst a spokesperson for the London Brick Company declared, 'I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number.'

In a separate incident, a 76 year old widower today revealed how he too had fallen foul of nasty genetically modified stuff. Mr Fred Skittle, of Witham, Essex, told how he had been lucky to escape with his life after being savaged by a cow's arse. 'It attacked me on the back lawn,' said Mr Skittle, 'with a rolled-up newspaper'.

Mr Skittle, a resident of the Welby Nursing Home, recalled that in the ensuing skirmish his assailant had been assisted by some talking table legs and a postman made out of spongecake. Although a link to GM food has yet to be proven, it can be no mere coincidence that Monsanto's High Wycombe headquarters are situated just 56 miles from the scene of the crime. This evening, rumours of a cover-up were rife after reporters were told that Mr Skittle was 'unavailable to comment' and 'had been palming his medication.'

Home Office Minister in 'No Fish For Naughty Seals' Outburst

Angry opposition politicians are calling for the resignation of a government junior minister following an angry outburst on TV yesterday. Keith Jitney, a junior minister for Social Security shouted down a shocked television audience during a live broadcast of ITV's The Thyme, The Plaice.

The studio debate about Social Security scroungers had naturally polarised the audience, but Robert Kilroy-Silkworm was forced to cut to a commercial break when the minister roared "We will not stand by whilst four-flippered, fish-eating mammals bleed the state dry."If they come on shore to breed, then they can come on shore to work. There will be no fish for naughty seals!" A Tory spokesman said this was grossly unfair, but nobody was listening.

Space Monkeys Spotted in Highgate Cemetery

Jason said he saw some.