Wener Lands Middle Eastern Woman Job

Former Sleeper front-chick Louise Wener has finally found a job. Years after the break-up of her Indie-lite, chart-bothering guitar outfit, and her subsequent but brief literary career, the raven-haired beauty has taken to acting and modelling, with her agent immediately landing her the plum job of Equity's 'Official Middle Eastern Woman'.

The contract gives Wener sole rights to appear as the distressed, tearful face of the strife-torn Middle Eastern states in all UK media. Her agent is currently on an anti-peacekeeping mission in the region.

She takes over from actress Jayne Chesterfield who, after 9 years in the role, has quit, quoting: "I didn't think the role was challenging me anymore. It's time to move on, and my agent has found me a good part in an upcoming detergent commercial."

- Cyrano de Basingstoke -

Justine Greening, Secretary of State for Transport, yesterday uncovered plans to replace Railtrack with a company made of Lego. "We have listened to rail users and we have drawn up a solution that meets both their needs and those of the taxpayer. Railtrack has failed us. I believe that in LegoTrack we have found that company. I will stake my job on it - on the line, if you'll excuse the pun."

She went on to outline the advantages of the scheme: "Lego is cheap, plentiful and easy to use. Even my son, Myles, who is four and has no arms can use it. The LEGO brand is an integrated universe of experiences contributing to more fun and play. We could have throwbots and everything - the possibilities are endless."

It is thought that all trains will carry spare track with them in case of emergencies. Where, for instance, there is a leaf, passengers could assist the driver in building a new track around the leaf.

- Rex Phibb -

Broadcasting news: Terry Takes a Trip

The beleaguered management of Channel 5 is under fire yet again, following the filming of the “fly-on-the-wall” documentary Terry Takes a Trip, in which the nation’s favourite broadcaster, Terry Wogan, drank coffee which had been spiked with LSD by ratings-hungry C5 executives. Fans of the veteran disc jockey listened aghast as his usually agreeable blarney degenerated into the ravings of a drug-addled OAP. “If you’re running for the 8.25, you’ve missed it,” said Wogan with his usual velvety burr. “Jesus, there’s a bicycle growing out of me head! Don’t mind if I do, missus!”

Terry Takes a Trip is scheduled to be screened this Friday at 9 p.m., and every two hours thereafter.

Fruit & Veg Vendor Shocks Academic World

A fruit & Veg vendor from the Lincolnshire market town of Horncastle has shocked the academic world - by not abusing the apostrophe.

Lucy Tuttle, proprietor of Tuttle's Fruit & Veg has broken with years of tradition in the market trade by dispensing with apostrophes where the noun in question is plural. And, going completely against the grain, she has adopted the practice of inserting an apostrophe to denote possession.

"Well, the veg stall belongs to the Tuttles, doesn't it - it's not a load of Tuttles, just the one family, like", she explained. "And as for the tomatoes, well, they don't own nothing, does they? There's just loads of 'em."

- Rex Phibb -

Study Reveals over 90% of Crows take scenic route

A study commissioned by the University of Monmouthshire, has revealed that 94% of crows take the scenic route. "You can throw away you're route planners", said Kelvin Praxis, the report's author, "they're bloody useless."