Friday 30 September 2011

Foetus makes GCSE history

A four-month-old foetus has become the youngest pupil to pass a higher level GCSE exam. Niraj Dasgupta has received a grade B in Metalwork, after studying for four hours a week at a private college in Watford, Hertfordshire.

It is the second time in two years that students from Ryde College have made GCSE history. Last year, two-month-old Emily Porter-Siggurdsdottir became the youngest person to pass a GCSE, after gaining a C grade in Practical Beekeeping. Next year, pupils as young as two-day-old sperm are set to be entered for the exam by the college.

His mother Harsha, 32, a fund accountant for an insurance company, burst into tears when she discovered Nirav had passed the exam. "He has done extremely well. I'm very proud of him. It's all through hard work, pure dedication, and he's loved it, every minute of it. "Nirav has thoroughly enjoyed learning about metal. It started when I went to do a summer course at the college and he picked it up from there.

"He is a normal foetus who also loves football and is looking forward to playing on his PlayStation all the time." College Managing Director Michael Ryde said: "It's fabulous, it's absolutely fantastic. He did a higher tier paper which is the hardest paper you can do at GCSE. Nobody else has ever done so well at such a young age." Nirav, who is being taken to Disneyland in Paris on Friday by his mother as a reward, wants to join the Royal Navy when he grows up so he can travel the world.

The exam boards dismissed any suggestion that GCSEs were too easy, despite the rise in top grades awarded.

Thursday 22 September 2011

God is Dead?

Vatican to 'kill-off' God in bid to boost interest for flailing religion
Sources close to the hallowed city have revealed that after years of deterioration, God is to be 'knocked-off' in a brand new testament that bids to win back converts from 'the other major players, secular ideologies and loads of dumb ass new age philosophies'.

The new installment ('The Murdoch Years') is being written right now by a select team including Catholic heavyweights, media consultants and top script writers including 'a dude from Ugly Betty'. It promises to be just as violent, sleazy and over the top as the original. Anticipating adverse reactions from traditionalists, our source stated 'people should not be hasty in casting the first stone. This will be very exciting indeed. Besides the Pope has granted full backing, so tough titties. And besides, if Bobby fucking Ewing can make a dramtic comeback then . . .' Other plans include the return of Jesus as a hip nu metal rapper who 'misunderstood by authorities, will lead his minions towards the light with righteous rhymes at various summer rock festivals.'

And what of the rumours that the Church was planning a corporate takeover of Islam and Judaism? Focus groups have repeatedly shown that many consumers don't understand 'what the fuck is going on' in religion, given the many conflicting doctrines available. A 'one-stop shop would really focus holy resources' according to M.Manson of LAbiA Marketing Strategists. Our source remained noncommittal on this issue - 'Well, it would allow us to sort the Jesus thing out, but I really can't say any more.'

- Z.Face -