This report by Norris Rhylnam
Fears over the safety of GM crops increased yesterday after it emerged that a farmer's wife had been the victim of a 'genetically modified' potato. Mrs Janet Crenshaw, 26, was attacked whilst working on a plot of land at her Somerset home. Her husband, John, who co-owns the Nature's Plot Organic Food Company in Bridgwater, Somerset, witnessed the assault. 'I only saw it from afar,' he said, 'but it was very large, and seemed to be trying to flatten my wife into the ground. I could tell she was in distress as I could hear her screaming "Oh God, oh God". I can only think it came from another farm - we're all organic here.' The mutant spud then made its escape across the field as Mr Crenshaw approached, vanishing as inexplicably as it had appeared.
Ironically, Mr Crenshaw's business partner, Tom Wilson, had been promoting the company's own, organic produce in Bridgwater that very morning. Mr Wilson, 28, who dresses as a large vegetable to hand out Nature's Plot leaflets, said, 'Oh dear, how awful. She's a very lovely lady.' The assault, which occurred in September of last year, left Mrs Crenshaw in shock and, said Mr Crenshaw, 'subject to bouts of sickness, particularly in the morning.' Monotech corporation Biosanto yesterday denied any knowledge of the incident, whilst a spokesperson for the London Brick Company declared, 'I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number.'
In a separate incident, a 76 year old widower today revealed how he too had fallen foul of nasty genetically modified stuff. Mr Fred Skittle, of Witham, Essex, told how he had been lucky to escape with his life after being savaged by a cow's arse. 'It attacked me on the back lawn,' said Mr Skittle, 'with a rolled-up newspaper'.
Mr Skittle, a resident of the Welby Nursing Home, recalled that in the ensuing skirmish his assailant had been assisted by some talking table legs and a postman made out of spongecake. Although a link to GM food has yet to be proven, it can be no mere coincidence that Monsanto's High Wycombe headquarters are situated just 56 miles from the scene of the crime. This evening, rumours of a cover-up were rife after reporters were told that Mr Skittle was 'unavailable to comment' and 'had been palming his medication.'
Cheese, with an estimated street value of over £560,000 was found by Customs & Excise Officers this weekend - on a boat from France. The stinking dairy product, believed to be Camembert, was destined for one of the country's major super-markets.
Posts
