Former Sleeper front-chick Louise Wener has finally found a job. Years after the break-up of her Indie-lite, chart-bothering guitar outfit, and her subsequent but brief literary career, the raven-haired beauty has taken to acting and modelling, with her agent immediately landing her the plum job of Equity's 'Official Middle Eastern Woman'.
The contract gives Wener sole rights to appear as the distressed, tearful face of the strife-torn Middle Eastern states in all UK media. Her agent is currently on an anti-peacekeeping mission in the region.
She takes over from actress Jayne Chesterfield who, after 9 years in the role, has quit, quoting: "I didn't think the role was challenging me anymore. It's time to move on, and my agent has found me a good part in an upcoming detergent commercial."
Justine Greening, Secretary of State for Transport, yesterday uncovered plans to replace Railtrack with a company made of Lego. "We have listened to rail users and we have drawn up a solution that meets both their needs and those of the taxpayer. Railtrack has failed us. I believe that in LegoTrack we have found that company. I will stake my job on it - on the line, if you'll excuse the pun."
She went on to outline the advantages of the scheme: "Lego is cheap, plentiful and easy to use. Even my son, Myles, who is four and has no arms can use it. The LEGO brand is an integrated universe of experiences contributing to more fun and play. We could have throwbots and everything - the possibilities are endless."
It is thought that all trains will carry spare track with them in case of emergencies. Where, for instance, there is a leaf, passengers could assist the driver in building a new track around the leaf.
The beleaguered management of Channel 5 is under fire yet again, following the filming of the “fly-on-the-wall” documentary Terry Takes a Trip, in which the nation’s favourite broadcaster, Terry Wogan, drank coffee which had been spiked with LSD by ratings-hungry C5 executives. Fans of the veteran disc jockey listened aghast as his usually agreeable blarney degenerated into the ravings of a drug-addled OAP. “If you’re running for the 8.25, you’ve missed it,” said Wogan with his usual velvety burr. “Jesus, there’s a bicycle growing out of me head! Don’t mind if I do, missus!”
Terry Takes a Trip is scheduled to be screened this Friday at 9 p.m., and every two hours thereafter.
A fruit & Veg vendor from the Lincolnshire market town of Horncastle has shocked the academic world - by not abusing the apostrophe.
Lucy Tuttle, proprietor of Tuttle's Fruit & Veg has broken with years of tradition in the market trade by dispensing with apostrophes where the noun in question is plural. And, going completely against the grain, she has adopted the practice of inserting an apostrophe to denote possession.
"Well, the veg stall belongs to the Tuttles, doesn't it - it's not a load of Tuttles, just the one family, like", she explained. "And as for the tomatoes, well, they don't own nothing, does they? There's just loads of 'em."
A study commissioned by the University of Monmouthshire, has revealed that 94% of crows take the scenic route. "You can throw away you're route planners", said Kelvin Praxis, the report's author, "they're bloody useless."
Sister Theresa Martin, a nun with the Sisters of St. Kevin of Blackpool, has shocked the Catholic church to its core by filing for divorce - from Jesus! Sister Theresa is citing bigamy in her prosecution: "When I became a nun, I was told that I was marrying Jesus. Anyway, I was talking with some fellow sisters the other day, and it turns out that he's only gone and married them too, the cheating old so and so!"
"This is a tricky one," said Kevin Goodnight of the Catholic Bugle. "Cannonically viewed, bigamy denotes the condition of a man married to two real or interpretative wives in succession, rather than simultaneously - which is technically polygamy. Jesus might escape on a technicality."
"Whatever happens, the Catholic Church will end up with ecclesiastical egg all over their papist faces," laughed Betty Bowers of the rival Landover Baptist Church, Utah. "Firstly, their Jesus has let himself down badly, and secondly, divorce is a sin. Either way, I think this proves a point, doesn't it?"
Z.Face reports from West London
Ealing residents were in a state of shock today after the severe mugging of 92 year old Edith George by a 3 month old foetus. The foetus, known only as 'Blade' was armed with 4lbs of semtex and a 9 inch bowie knife. After watching Edith shimmy back up the drainpipe to her fourth floor flat he struck.
'What is the world coming to?' asked an exasperated John Chisel as he poured over hard hitting coverage in the Daily Mail, 'it says here the mugger was probably an immigrant, but they can't tell'.
'The tiny little buggers are always causing havoc, slithering over old people's spectacles or taunting you with their "I can still be anything you stupid old fucker" comments' said Park Hill resident Ped Korrk.
David Cameron was reportedly 'shocked' by the 'news' and has 'ordered' Home Secretary Theresa Mayto draft a bill that will outlaw foetus's carrying semtex and bowie knives in the future. Currently the law doesn't cover the pre-born. 'Clearly this is the responsibility of the parents' said a Cameron aid, 'no one can blame society for this one, as the perpetrator has never experienced it.' May is said to be keen on detaining, 'but not imprisoning', the parents or possible parents of such evil little bastards. 'We have the technology' she claimed, 'trust us'.
'The press is trying to paralyse us with fear, and it makes good copy after all' explained Dr Faustus Tramp of Bexley University, 'but the truth is this kind of thing is nothing new. The 17th century saw a spate of foetus crime, including the famous highway robber Little Wee Tiny Jock McJock who terrorised wealthy travellers until his inevitable birth.'
Oil industry chiefs and nuclear power mandarins have spoken out about the dangers of alternative energy. In a report called Alternative Energy: DANGER!, published by the United League of Traditional Fuel Producers, they say that alternative energy sources, such as wind and wave generation, are dangerous.
"These sources are dangerous", says Briony Pipe, spokesperson for the league. "What most people don't realise is that scientific research has shown that there are a limited number of waves in the sea or gusts of wind in the sky. If you start to build wind generators willy-nilly, then you are going to exhaust nature's supply of natural breeze. Where would the nation's washing lines be then?"
Minutes leaked from Home Secretary Theresa May’s ministerial meetings have revealed efforts by Channel 5 to turn the Dale Farm evictions into a live reality show. It is alleged that the proposal by Channel 5 executives was for a show, hosted by Dale Winton, to turn over decision making powers on the tenancy rights of Dale Farm residents to the voting public. The TV extravaganza, thought to be called Dale’s Farm, was believed to be the brainchild of Simon Cowell, and was to include a Question Time-like panel featuring Theresa May herself, Lord Sugar, Carol Vorderman and Dappy from N-Dubs.
In the proposal for the show, hurriedly drafted and submitted to the Home Secretary’s office, the benefits of adopting this approach were listed as improving public participation and interest in politics, raising valuable funds for the public purse (via premium voting line charges) and, importantly, absolving the government and judiciary from any blame whatsoever. Whilst May is said to have been tempted by the role of Pontius Pilate, and is alleged to have likened the Dale Farm squatters to a "Barabus-like rabble", she ultimately had to pass up the opportunity due to the time constraints involved.
Supermarket giant ASDA is to employ chimpanzees on its checkout ailses. The chimps will be given, initially at least, a limited role - they will dispense cashback money.
Chief executive of the ASDA chain, George Asda, has hit back at critics' accusations that this move is designed to put pressure on wages payable to staff. "Cash-Back Monkeys will have a very specific, and complementary, role," he said, before adding: "Our research has found that people like animals, and they adore chimps - as has been proven by the longevity of the PG Tips advertisements. This move is designed to add to the customer experience - not, I repeat NOT, to reduce costs or introduce efficiencies."
But union leaders remain unconvinced. "I'd like the management to give workers the assurances that the monkeys will not be taking their jobs." said union representative Bobby Jackdaw. But Mr.Asda said "I can only talk about our current plans - and there are no plans to replace workers with chimps. But, you know, chimps are bloody clever, and they're ambitious too. So let's wait and see."
The chain also announced this week that all employees will have to change their surname to Asda. Even the monkeys.