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ARCHER IN CHOKEY CHOKER

Well known publicist and all round deviant Geoffrey Archer was yesterday convicted of perjury, fraud, corruption and intent to pervert the course of justice at Toytown magistrates court. The jury deliberated for some time even though the evidence was overwhelming against him but he was eventually convicted on all counts. Judge Pomfrey Gannet-Spam described Archer as a 'bad egg who had been naughty'. He was jailed for four minutes.

MILOSOVIC USED TIME MACHINE TO HELP HITLER
New evidence has come to light that 'Balkan Butcher' and Serb leader Slobodan Milosovic was in league with Hitler during the second world war and armed the third reich with the aid of a time machine. Milosovic, who is probably worse than Hitler, was obsessed with the Nazi leaders genocidal policies and did everything he could to further the cause of evil, a top UN boffin said today. 'Milosovic is a cold blooded killer and now he's arrested we can all feel a lot better about not doing anything in Bosnia' he added.

DOG EGG FOUND ON DOG LEG
A rare dog egg was found yesterday on Hereford municipal golf course by green keeper Jerry Maguire. The dog egg believed to be that of Roman emperor Hadrian's dog Bruno is worth around £9.99 according to leading dog egg expert Humphrey Boggart. 'We believe that Hadrian may have been walking Bruno after he had had a particularly heavy breakfast of Christians and wren spleens, the egg has been lying untouched for hundreds of years and is in remarkable condition' he never said.