Hindley reconstitutes self from scattered ashes, buttock missing

Freshly fried 'evil scum bitch Myra Hindley' (© The Sun) has dramatically reassembled herself just days after being cremated. Her lack of a left buttock, the original having been licked up by Blunkett's dog at her funeral, means she now stalks the UK with a scatter cushion as a replacement. Scientists are baffled as to how Hindley was able to execute such an ingenious escape. "I have to admit I'm completely baffled," said one.

Tabloids have responded cautiously, not wishing to have their headlines trumped by competitors. "Your Children Will Die!!!" announced a mellow Daily Mail, prompting The Sun to simply ask "Whose first?", and print the photos of dozens of happy British infants. A phone poll was withdrawn after complaints of poor taste.

Technically Hindley, whose death was a disappointment to many a journo, is now a free woman. "There are no legal grounds for her reimprisonment" admitted a Home Office spokesperson, "but we're going to rush another bill through Parliament to prevent death being used as an excuse for sentence evasion. No one escapes Tony's law."

Hindley is thought to be planning a big come back sometime in 2003. One possibility is an appearance on Celebrity Big Brother 3, maybe with Ricky from Eastenders and that bloke from Countdown.

- Z.Face -

Police in 'Greatest Hits' Initiative

Norris Rhylname reports from Scotland Yard
Home Secretary David Blunkett today announced his latest initiative against crime: more exciting police sirens. The traditional nee-naw-nee-naw sirens were replaced several years ago with US style whoo-whoo-whoo ones to make car chases sound better on Police, Camera, Action!, but this new measure involves cranking the dramatic tension up further by replacing the treble of sirens with the throbbing beat of a drum solo.

"This is a bold move, and a great boost in the fight against crime," said Chief Commisioner Tom Tomson, "we'll be looking to have about a hundred solos available, so our officers can really get into the occasion with, for example, the Miami Vice theme by Jan Hammer. We'll also have a special drum roll for when we're about to apprehend a villain, followed by a cymbal clash for the completion of the arrest".