Friday 21 October 2011

Monkey Business: supermarket giant to employ chimps

Supermarket giant ASDA is to employ chimpanzees on its checkout ailses. The chimps will be given, initially at least, a limited role - they will dispense cashback money.

Chief executive of the ASDA chain, George Asda, has hit back at critics' accusations that this move is designed to put pressure on wages payable to staff. "Cash-Back Monkeys will have a very specific, and complementary, role," he said, before adding: "Our research has found that people like animals, and they adore chimps - as has been proven by the longevity of the PG Tips advertisements. This move is designed to add to the customer experience - not, I repeat NOT, to reduce costs or introduce efficiencies."

But union leaders remain unconvinced. "I'd like the management to give workers the assurances that the monkeys will not be taking their jobs." said union representative Bobby Jackdaw. But Mr.Asda said "I can only talk about our current plans - and there are no plans to replace workers with chimps. But, you know, chimps are bloody clever, and they're ambitious too. So let's wait and see."

The chain also announced this week that all employees will have to change their surname to Asda. Even the monkeys.

- Rex Phibb -

No comments:

Post a Comment