Radish Rages Against the Running Cheat Machines

In the wake of yet another disappointing World Athletics Championships, where dozens of foreigncountries won many more medals than the UK, British athletes have hit out against "training cheats". Team GB runners, jumpers and throwers rallied around captain Paula Radish (who came a gallant fourth in the 10,000m final) at trackside to demonstrate against Americans, Russians, Germans and other swarthy types who, they believe, are creating a "bumpy playing field".

"These athletes," she said, "are creating a bumpy playing field. They are gaining an unfair advantage over our homegrown talent, by using performance-enhancing training methods." When pressed, one British runner revealed that these methods included things such as "running long distances to increase lung capacity and stamina, practicing race starts to save vital seconds, and participating in diets free from processed foods and cigarettes." Many of them, it is believed, go to bed early on the night before a race.

In the wake of yet another disappointing World Athletics Championships, where dozens of foreigncountries won many more medals than the UK, British athletes have hit out against "training cheats". Team GB runners, jumpers and throwers rallied around captain Paula Radish (who came a gallant fourth in the 10,000m final) at trackside to demonstrate against Americans, Russians, Germans and other swarthy types who, they believe, are creating a "bumpy playing field".

Strong rumours are circulating that England's cricketers will make similar protests against the touring Australian side who have already bagged their 7th successive Ashes Test Series. Sven Goran Eriksson, however, has dismissed such action on behalf of the England football team.

Pervey Puppetman's Pigshow has People of Padstow Piqued

A Government minister has pledged to launch a full inquiry into the handling of complaints against a season of satirical puppet shows in the Cornish town of Padstow. The council received more than 2,000 calls about Six Little Pigs in a Shallow Grave, which conned the likes of rock star Phil Collins and presenter Richard Blackwood into raising funds to support the release of Myra Hindley.

The shows have already been condemned by Home Secretary David Blunkett, who hasn't seen them. A spokesman said: "He was pretty dismayed by the shows and did not find them remotely funny."

'Sick'
Child protection minister Beverley Hughes described it as "unspeakably sick". Now culture minister Tessa Jowell wants to get in on the act. She has pledged to look into whether the Council can deal with complaints against puppet shows quickly enough.

'Decency'
She said: "As a viewer and a parent, I think it is a great shame that a public service has chosen to perform this programme of shows. If this is considered acceptable material then we are tearing down all the boundaries of decency in the theatre."

Six Little Pigs in a Shallow Grave is the brainchild of controversial satirist Maurice Christopher, whose career has already attracted hundreds of complaints. During one radio broadcast he fooled many by announcing the death of David Hasslehoff.

Defence
The show has been defended by the council's outgoing chief executive Janet Jackson, who said: "It sought to challenge the inconsistencies in the way the media approaches and sensationalises crime. Some might argue that satire is the wrong format to engage in serious debate, but often it's only when a punchline has finished that we can see the uncomfortable but serious point behind the joke."

Attacks
Residents of Padstow, to a person, have been up in arms and protesting the shows this week. The entire population of the town surrounded the theatre on Monday morning to attack Christopher and, according to one protester, to "tear those fucking puppets from limb to limb!"

Whilst they demonstrated all of their houses were burgled.

What's all the fuss about? Six Little Pigs in a Shallow Grave is just one show in a season of controversial puppetry perpetrated by evil puppetmaster Maurice Christopher. Here is a synopsis of some of the shows played to Padstow audiences this summer. Pontius Piglet A puppet parody of the crucifixion involving various farmyard animals. This was first shown at the St Austell Civic Centre one Christmas as a support slot to Sooty's Christmas in the Abyss. Christ was played by a lamb. The then bearded Christopher (who was once sacked from the staff at Fingerbob) was later arrested for crimes against puppetry. No charges were pressed, however. Six Little Pigs in a Shallow Grave Based on the Moors Murders, Ian Brady was played by the Big Bad Wolf. Miss Piggy plays Myra Hindley. The audience has to shout out "He's behind you!!!" Oedipus Pig Christopher precipitated the break-up of popular children's TV puppet show, Pipkins, back in the late 70s by luring brummie puppet character, Pig, away from the team. He was promised the lead role in Oedipus Pig at the Edinburgh Fringe. The show bombed. Pig has not been heard of, or seen since. Hartley Hare is Managing Director at Glaxo Smithkline Beecham.

Fat cats 'least likely to make packed lunch'

A survey of office based workers in the finance sector ranging from data in-putters to directors has revealed that better paid staff members are most likely to buy their lunch from a posh sandwich shop or eat at a poncey restaurant than the lower earners in the company. The survey revealed that many senior office managers have lunch laid on for them by the company, any remaining sandwiches are then patronisingly offered to lower ranking members of staff. Ms. Breville Piebus, who conducted the survey, admitted the results were not particularly surprising nor interesting. 'Fat cats are fat because they have more money to spend on food' she said, 'most people normally eat for a lesser expense and that's about it'.

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ARCHER IN CHOKEY CHOKER

Well known publicist and all round deviant Geoffrey Archer was yesterday convicted of perjury, fraud, corruption and intent to pervert the course of justice at Toytown magistrates court. The jury deliberated for some time even though the evidence was overwhelming against him but he was eventually convicted on all counts. Judge Pomfrey Gannet-Spam described Archer as a 'bad egg who had been naughty'. He was jailed for four minutes.

MILOSOVIC USED TIME MACHINE TO HELP HITLER
New evidence has come to light that 'Balkan Butcher' and Serb leader Slobodan Milosovic was in league with Hitler during the second world war and armed the third reich with the aid of a time machine. Milosovic, who is probably worse than Hitler, was obsessed with the Nazi leaders genocidal policies and did everything he could to further the cause of evil, a top UN boffin said today. 'Milosovic is a cold blooded killer and now he's arrested we can all feel a lot better about not doing anything in Bosnia' he added.

DOG EGG FOUND ON DOG LEG
A rare dog egg was found yesterday on Hereford municipal golf course by green keeper Jerry Maguire. The dog egg believed to be that of Roman emperor Hadrian's dog Bruno is worth around £9.99 according to leading dog egg expert Humphrey Boggart. 'We believe that Hadrian may have been walking Bruno after he had had a particularly heavy breakfast of Christians and wren spleens, the egg has been lying untouched for hundreds of years and is in remarkable condition' he never said.

GKS and CFG merger backed by DLM in GBL dispute

The Swiss industrial giant GKS along with German aggregate company CFG have merged, according to business regulators DLM. DLM (formerly FFT) are backing GKS and CFG in a pay and working conditions dispute involving British Petrochemical magnates GBL who were formerly partners with GKS along with American software specialists RGO. GKS and CFG will now become megalomaniac conglomerate LVW who will deal directly with DLM and possibly with the newly formed SBT.

Magnum Sphagnum Conundrum

American actor Tom Selleck, better known as TV's Magnum PI, is reported to be going through a 'moss nightmare' according to his agent. The back path of Magnum's Californian ranch has become so overgrown that it would be 'virtually impossible' for Magnum to clear the growth himself. Magnum is very busy at the moment said his agent, 'I think they may need him for an episode of Friends and he is also considering offers from Belarus where Magnum PI is huge'.

Fuck! - It's Official

The word Fuck is now officially a technical term - in Japan! In the users' manual for the latest model of Suzuki GSX R-750 motorcycle (pictured) the following instruction is quoted: "Never make any modifications to the aluminium alloy beam frame. Any such modifications will fuck it, and may lead to an accident."

Akira Yanarada, the technical boss at Suzuki, defended the use of the term saying "This terminology is fully justified. It is always our intention to match the specifications of our products to the needs of our customers. In this case we have utilised language consistent with, and clearly understood by, our core customer."

"Dolphin Underclass is Emerging" - Bush

George W.Bush has labelled Californian beached dolphins as "scrounging, work-shy scum". The animals, which occasionally find themselves washed-up on the beaches of the Pacific coast, are normally saved by environmental groups, rehabilitated in UCLA Marine Biology facilities, and released back into the wild following full recovery. But Bush, like his father, subscribes dogmatically to the view that any form of aid leads to an emergent underclass. "These fish are primarily seeking attention, but moreso are too lazy to find food for themselves." said the President. "If we continue to support them, they will learn that there is food for free - we must make them learn the hard way. Unless do-gooders start to leave the spounging porpoises where they wash-up, we will dramatically cut funding to the UCLA."

Mad Mao Disease on Increase

Chinese agriculture has been plunged into a state of crisis when it was discovered that a large amount of cattle were found to have Mad Mao disease. The cattle were found riding around their field on bicycles, wearing small round glasses and mooing from a small red book. This is bad news for farming in China generally as the rise in Foot and Mao cases has also been on the increase. Reports have also confirmed cases of Titomotosis in some Yugoslavian rabbits and a case of Karl Mange that is affecting a dog in Germany.

Dome home for drones?

Shock Bee Consortium in bid for Blair's Blunder
Chrust reports this
Cash starved, debt-ridden eyesore the Millennium Dome appeared to be on the verge of finding a backer last night when a group of bees tabled a package to save the metal monstrosity.

According to Surrey beekeeper, Albert Senegal-Lancer, a large group of his bees wish to inhabit the now vacant tit-shaped tin shed and turn it into a giant hive. Albert, who suffers from alcohol depression and a mild form of psychosis, mistakenly believes he can communicate with various members of the insect world. "Bees are a progressive species and they wish to expand into the property market. They have such drive and ambition and they need bigger premises. Although they can't offer sound financial backing they intend to pay with honey", he told our reporter over a beef and ale pie and several pints in the snug of the Cask & Bottle, somewhere in the Surrey countryside.

The bee consortium which has allegedly presented the package, was apparently unavailable for comment. "They're busy buzzing around and making fucking honey" Albert spluttered into our reporter's face when questioned, "thems make lovely honey" he drooled wistfully between gulps of strong lager and mouthfuls of pie.

Dome opposition groups welcomed the news of the bid and encouraged other insects to become more proactive with their approach to environmental issues. Francis Lipbalm spokesman for the environmental newspaper Green is the Colour the Countryside is our Game voiced his support, "I think it's a simply wonderful idea. Hornets, Bluebottles and Mayflies should get together and stand up and be counted. They are being exploited and they deserve a bigger slice of the pie".

The government has denied that a formal approach has been made, "We are unaware of any new developments concerning the Dome" an official-looking person said. But to fuel speculation he also stated that, "a number of bees have been seen buzzing around Number 10 recently looking very serious and business like".

Albert insists that it is only a matter of time before the bees get what they want, "It's only a matter of time before they get what they want" he shouted as our reporter prepared to leave the pub. "Tony Martin was a good lad" he yelled as he waved his fist and farted. At the time of going to press no further action from Albert or the bees seems to have materialised. To make matters worse for our reporter he found dog dirt on one of his new shoes and a passing car had lightly splashed rain water onto the bottom of his suit trousers.