Celebrities Battle to Pay Tribute to Spike Milligan

Top celebrities queued up today to pay tribute to legendary British funnyman, Spike Milligan, who died yesterday at his home. Spike, one of Britain's best loved comics, was 82 and had been ill for some time.

Celebrities throughout the country bombarded radio and television stations with telphone calls, anxious that their fading reminscences of Spike be broadcast to the nation. Reports of a fight between Bob Monkhouse and Barry Cryer over whose turn it was next are unsubstantiated.

"He was a great guy," Eddie Izzard told The Despondent. "I met him a couple of times and he was a super bloke, groovy! He could be a bit odd though." Mop-topped comedian and acting actor Alan Davies remembered Spike. "I was walking along the Edgware Road and a car went by. I remember thinking 'that was Spike Milligan driving!' I laughed all the way home. He was so funny."

Tributes even flocked in from those outside the world of comedy. "A wonderful, wonderful man," said top advert voiceover man, Lennie Henry. "I never met him but I think he would have been a nice, funny man to speak to."

Plans are now afoot for a feature film of Spike's life. Steven Spielberg has tentatively produced a screenplay and hopes to film it with Tom Cruise early next year. Russell Crowe has expressed interest in playing Peter Sellers and Anthony Hopkins is already signed to portray Harry Seacombe. The story will be transferred to America but Spielberg doesn't feel that UK audiences have anything to worry about. "Spike was really a universal comic, and it doesn't really matter where the story is set. It's a sort of 'Saving Private Seagoon' type movie. Spike would have loved it, loads of explosions and war, great stuff. I never met him but I'm sure he would have approved. I've heard he was a nice guy. My PA tells me people will miss him."

The pop world too is planning tributes. Dreary Irish boy band Westlife are recording their own version of The Ying Tong Song with Pop Idol Gareth Gates, in a bid for their 11th number one. Pop Idol winner, Will Young, meanwhile hopes to have a Christmas smash on his hands when he releases I'm Walking Backwards for Christmas, also written by Spike.

Politicians also expressed their sorrow at Spike's passing. "I think we met, a few years ago," Prime Minister Tony Blair told reporters. "I remember he called me an arrogant bastard! He was so very good at irony, we all laughed."

Ian Duncan Smith, however, laid the blame for Spike's death squarely at the door of beleagured Transport minister, Stephen Byers. "Spike might have been alive today if the transport links between his home and London were better. I call on Mr Byers to reconsider his position." Mr Byers made no comment but during the media interest surrounding Spike's death announced the privatisation of pavements.

- Cuban Rick -

Paintings stolen in ‘Three Ton’ Footwear Robbery

Up to three hundred paintings were stolen from a display room in London, after a school janitor was rendered unconscious with a pair of brogues, and burglar alarms were disarmed with Wellingtons. The robbers, who struck at Oak Lane Primary School in Wimbledon, got away with an entire term’s worth of artwork by classes 2B and 2C. The haul included several portraits of mummies and daddies, as well as 8-year-old Lucy Bingham’s celebrated picture of her nanny’s house. Police say the heist was executed by dangerous criminals armed with traditional footwear, and they are asking auction houses and art dealers to be vigilant for works turning up on the black market.

- Norris Rhylname -

US Air Force Grounded over DVT Claims

They call it the Land of Litigation, the United Lawsuits of America, and now the crazy ol’ US of A is set to take the quest for colossal claims to new levels. Rock Schmicker, a partner of Florida law firm Bale Schmicker Bale, is co-ordinating a multi-million dollar law-suit against the US Air Force. Scmicker said they are "happy to offer a No-Win, No-Fee service to terror suspects at the Guantanamo Bay naval base, after they received inadequate hospitality on transfer flights from Afghanistan.

"What these people went through on the transfer flights is simply unacceptable. They were unnecessarily exposed to the risk of Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT), and we believe they have strong grounds for a claim", said Schmicker yesterday. He claims that, although the prisoners were issued with earphones when they boarded the planes to Guantanamo, and were offered a glass of wine with their meals, the US Air Force stewards blatantly failed to adopt any procedures to advise passengers of the alleged risks inherent in long periods of inactivity.

Donald Rumsfeld dismissed the claims as "bogus and hypocritical". He told journalists at a press conference this morning: ""I do not feel the slightest concern at their treatment. They are being treated vastly better than they have treated anybody themselves. Have you flown Air Afghan lately?"

- Rex Phibb -

A drunken Ilford has accused Jamie Oliver of being a homosexual. Chelsea fan and local thug Graham Willis was drinking in the Spam & Chuffer in Ilford on Sunday evening when a Sainsbury's advert featuring the lovable Cockney monkey was aired between two Sky football matches. Above the deafening roar of the TV Mr Willis was heard to shout "I bet that fucker's a poof but I'd do his bird." This outburst was met with a blank silence from Mr Willis's drinking partners who don't actually know, or like, him. Jamie Oliver was unavailable for comment as he was too busy snipping Oregano from a window box in a flat that isn't his.

- Chrust -

Eastenders' Steve is Storyline Loser

Gary Kemp, the actor who plays Eastenders' Steve Owen, was seriously injured yesterday after two storylines simultaneously blew up in his face. Shortly after being assaulted by Phil Mitchell, the old New Romantic discovered that he is to be replaced by character Nathan Williams as the Square's most unconvincing gangster type.

Bruised and cut, dazed and confused, Kemp dramatically refused to be taken to hospital. He later made good progress after downing 'a lovely cup of tea' brought to him by Wendy Richards (Pauline Fower). "It was touch and go there for a while," said former child prodigy Todd Carty (Mark Fowler), "but we knew he'd be fine when he proclaimed 'Anyone fancy a swift one down the Vic?'"

- Colin Catstand in Borehamwood -

Bush Pretzel News Special

"Stop multitasking" Bush warned after Pretzel blackout
US President George W Bush was warned by political advisors not to "attempt more then one complex action at a time" after he fainted whilst choking on a pretzel. The president had been sat down watching a Michigan-Baltimore football game when he placed the miscreant salty snack in his mouth. "This could have had grave consequences for the nation" said White House spokesperson Dick Cumonit," especially at this point in our history. He really needs to be less reckless."

Well meaning supporters gathered at the White House to ceremoniously stamp upon pretzels in solidarity. "Well, ya gotta do something" yelled Shelley Greenmilk. One confused activist who burnt the Stars and Stripes in an undefined act of protest got the same treatment. "He should realise that flag stands for freedom," explained a frothing perpertrator.

Tony Blair was said to be on his way accross the Atlantic upon hearing of Mr Bush's misfortune. "He wants to see if there is absolutely any way Britain can lend support please," said a source. Already a task force comprising of inner city infants is busy providing 'bluesky thinking' on the implications for the UK.

George Bush is currently resting at his Texas ranch and expects to be back at the helm 'sometime October'.

- Z.Face -

'Pretzel of Doom' was Castro 'Prank'

The pretzel that floored US President George W Bush "looked like Osama Bin Laden" according to White House aides. The salty snack biscuit, much loved in America, became lodged in the president's throat, according to Dr Adriana Perestroika, Neurologist, "then he lost consciousness for a short time when his heart rate slowed." He slightly cut his face and bruised his lip when he fell to the floor - another statistic in the War Against Terrorism.

More experts immediately emerged from the woodwork, claiming that this was just another of Fidel Castro's pranks. "Since Kennedy's notorious 'exploding cigar' joke in the 60s, Castro and US presidents have been trading pranks on and off. This Osama-shaped pretzel is just the latest," claims Courtney Oakes of the Universtiy of Buttfuk, Idaho.

Previous 'japes' have included a whoopee cushion strategically placed under Jimmy Carter's arse at the Camp David Peace Accord, itching powder surreptitiously placed on Ronald Reagan's collar at his 1980 inauguration, and the Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba by a US-sponsored private army of Cuban exiles in 1961.

- Rex Phibb -

Bearded Historians Discover Real Reason for Stone Circles

Rex Phibb reports from the Peak District
Channel 4's Time Team believe they have discovered the real reason why our pagan forbears built stone circles. Over the course of a four week excavation, the long-haired, bearded and rainbow-sweatered historians pieced together vital evidence pointing to the likelihood that stone circles, such as Stonehenge, were primitive quiz show arenas.

Laughing at the end of every sentence, Time Team stalwart Phil Harding said that they had found stone tablets like those held by William G.Stewart at the Arbor Low stone circle in Derbyshire. "Don't you think it's just a little more than coincidence that the circle looks just like the 15 to 1 stage?" he concluded. "It's unlikely that they'd have been asked questions on films and pop music," said Tony Robinson, "rather they would have posed questions like 'how fucking cold do you think it is now?'"

The Time Team Stone Circle special is due to go out on April 1st.

Blair and Bush will be joined at shoulders - say experts

There is no doubt that the world is a much better, safer place for white middle class males when its world leaders stand shoulder to shoulder, but the very health of Tony Blair and George W.Bush is increasingly under threat the more they do so. That is the alarming opinion of Dr Chris Lothsline of the University of Sheffield.

"I've seen it before", said the field-leading professor of molecular cryptology from his local boozer. "If they carry on standing shoulder to shoulder, there's a clear and present danger that Bush & Blair will become joined at the shoulder like some freak 'siamese statesman'".

The implications of this are worrying. It will probably mean that Tony Blair will have to stand shoulder to shoulder with Bush at the next general election. "Still, at least that'll mean those bastard, lying, cheating, smarmy, poncey new Labour fuckwitts won't get a third term," said Professor Lothsline on his fifth pint of Speckled Abbot.

There are also practical issues to take into account. The toilets in the new parliament building opposite Westminster, for instance, will need to accomadate the 'siamese statesmen'. "Yeah, we'll probably just knock two of the cubicles into one and move the pans closer together", said Greg Wendell of Wendell & Sons Quality Builders. "They'll be able to shit shoulder to shoulder then!"

Whatever the implications, it's clear that the latest vogue for scapular proximity is going to give our great leaders even more to think about, at a time when they carry the world's trouble on their harmonious shoulders.

- Rex Phibb -

Bush Vs Beelzebub: US to extend War Against Terror into 'Hell itself'

President Bush yesterday warned Old Nick and his atrocious minions that the US would be extending its war against terror into the dark underworld. "Know this," he warned, "a final reckoning is on the cards here, we know where Satan is, and we will defeat him. Do not misunderestimatorise us."

Britain will offer the usual naive sycophantic military support. "Tony is really up for this, it's right up his street" opined Downing Street spokesperson Geoff Laxman, "in fact he will be keen to wrap up the complete defeat of evil in time for the next election. It could provide a healthy poll boost." 5000 UK troops, prepared to risk infinite sodomy by barbed hellish cock, are poised for the descent into inestimable chaos should Dubya give the nod. "The radios are fixed" assured Laxman.

Anti-globalisation protestors have dismissed Bush's announcements as 'fake' and 'a deceit'. "He may convince some that he is to initiate the Final War, Armageddon, and eventually introduce a 1000 year period of light and peace, the so called Age of Aquarius" said Fig Toffee from the Play Up! movement, "but what he really wants is to extend the corporate branding of our age to the Realm of Chaos. Eternal burnings in oil sponsored by Exxon, the patenting of traditional demonic flesh ripping techniques, that kind of thing."

Critics have warned that defeating the Dark Lord of That Which Cannot Be Mentioned will leave a power vacuum for 'any tinpot dictator or nutcase' to take advantage of. "This is a very dangerous strategy" said Professor Bart Litman of the University of Stockport, "there's no telling who might end up on Lucifer's empty throne. I dread to think."

"Fuck you Beezlebub" said Jason Kolb of Villesville, Ohio, "here comes the smackdown".

- Z.Face -

Chief's £3million BT Bung for 'having a damn nice try'

Z.Face reports
BT Chief Executive Sir Peter Bonsfield is today calculating how he will spend the £3m he is due in payoffs following yesterday's resignation from the lolloping communications giant.

Critics have pointed out that before Sir Peter's reign, BT had never made a trading loss. This year it made a loss of £30bn, surviving only after the largest cash call on shareholders in corporate history. Sir Peter admitted that "objectives didn't quite reach complete fruition status" but his critics have been written off as 'obvious anarchists, paedophiles and war wobblers'.

Kathy Hilfiger of Tower Hamlets was quick to support Sir Peter. Kathy, a single mother who struggles daily to raise her asthmatic children with the help of the cheapest food, TV as distractor, a damp flat and deteriorating coping mechanisms said "Bless him, he looks like he deserves it. It's them scrounging Kosovians that piss me off."

"We totally defend this competitive golden handshake, or golden shoulder as I call them now, " said BT executive Mike Dandy, "he gave it a bloody good go, coming to work even when struck with various minor ailments." £615,000 of the payoff comes as reward for BT's performance over the last year, when it achieved the huge loss described above.

Already more middle class heterosexual males have been shortlisted to replace Sir Peter. Some have even been described as having 'vision' and the ability to 'rationalise' by middle class heterosexual males in the press.