Celebrities Battle to Pay Tribute to Spike Milligan

Top celebrities queued up today to pay tribute to legendary British funnyman, Spike Milligan, who died yesterday at his home. Spike, one of Britain's best loved comics, was 82 and had been ill for some time.

Celebrities throughout the country bombarded radio and television stations with telphone calls, anxious that their fading reminscences of Spike be broadcast to the nation. Reports of a fight between Bob Monkhouse and Barry Cryer over whose turn it was next are unsubstantiated.

"He was a great guy," Eddie Izzard told The Despondent. "I met him a couple of times and he was a super bloke, groovy! He could be a bit odd though." Mop-topped comedian and acting actor Alan Davies remembered Spike. "I was walking along the Edgware Road and a car went by. I remember thinking 'that was Spike Milligan driving!' I laughed all the way home. He was so funny."

Tributes even flocked in from those outside the world of comedy. "A wonderful, wonderful man," said top advert voiceover man, Lennie Henry. "I never met him but I think he would have been a nice, funny man to speak to."

Plans are now afoot for a feature film of Spike's life. Steven Spielberg has tentatively produced a screenplay and hopes to film it with Tom Cruise early next year. Russell Crowe has expressed interest in playing Peter Sellers and Anthony Hopkins is already signed to portray Harry Seacombe. The story will be transferred to America but Spielberg doesn't feel that UK audiences have anything to worry about. "Spike was really a universal comic, and it doesn't really matter where the story is set. It's a sort of 'Saving Private Seagoon' type movie. Spike would have loved it, loads of explosions and war, great stuff. I never met him but I'm sure he would have approved. I've heard he was a nice guy. My PA tells me people will miss him."

The pop world too is planning tributes. Dreary Irish boy band Westlife are recording their own version of The Ying Tong Song with Pop Idol Gareth Gates, in a bid for their 11th number one. Pop Idol winner, Will Young, meanwhile hopes to have a Christmas smash on his hands when he releases I'm Walking Backwards for Christmas, also written by Spike.

Politicians also expressed their sorrow at Spike's passing. "I think we met, a few years ago," Prime Minister Tony Blair told reporters. "I remember he called me an arrogant bastard! He was so very good at irony, we all laughed."

Ian Duncan Smith, however, laid the blame for Spike's death squarely at the door of beleagured Transport minister, Stephen Byers. "Spike might have been alive today if the transport links between his home and London were better. I call on Mr Byers to reconsider his position." Mr Byers made no comment but during the media interest surrounding Spike's death announced the privatisation of pavements.

- Cuban Rick -