Hindley reconstitutes self from scattered ashes, buttock missing

Freshly fried 'evil scum bitch Myra Hindley' (© The Sun) has dramatically reassembled herself just days after being cremated. Her lack of a left buttock, the original having been licked up by Blunkett's dog at her funeral, means she now stalks the UK with a scatter cushion as a replacement. Scientists are baffled as to how Hindley was able to execute such an ingenious escape. "I have to admit I'm completely baffled," said one.

Tabloids have responded cautiously, not wishing to have their headlines trumped by competitors. "Your Children Will Die!!!" announced a mellow Daily Mail, prompting The Sun to simply ask "Whose first?", and print the photos of dozens of happy British infants. A phone poll was withdrawn after complaints of poor taste.

Technically Hindley, whose death was a disappointment to many a journo, is now a free woman. "There are no legal grounds for her reimprisonment" admitted a Home Office spokesperson, "but we're going to rush another bill through Parliament to prevent death being used as an excuse for sentence evasion. No one escapes Tony's law."

Hindley is thought to be planning a big come back sometime in 2003. One possibility is an appearance on Celebrity Big Brother 3, maybe with Ricky from Eastenders and that bloke from Countdown.

- Z.Face -