Supermarket Trolley Found - police suspect foul play

A supermarket trolley discovered in the Grand Union Canal near Watford has been identified as one that went missing from Sainsbury's. Police said the trolley, which had not been seen since 20th November, had suffered severe damage to the wheels, probably from overloading, and a bent frame, the likely result of a low speed collision.

Assistants at Sainsbury's told our reporter that the trolley had become increasingly unhappy, and that it said it was "tired of being pushed around". It was last seen talking to a group of drunken revellers in the early hours of November 20. Barton St Hillier, store manager at the Watford Town Centre branch, said that this should be a lesson to all trolleys not to stray from the premises.

A group of students are helping the police with their enquiries.

Local Man Builds Stupid Car

Harrow resident, Jarvis McLucre, has invented what he believes is the world's most environmentally friendly car - literally a pile of sand. "I first got the idea during Lawrence of Arabia one Sunday afternoon. I thought, those dunes are moving, slowly but surely." A quick trip to the local builders yard and Jarvis was away.

The car relies on wind power for propulsion, and is, by Jarvis's admittance, "a little slow, more so when it's raining". "It's perfect for these crazy times mind. When I'm feeling a bit haraunged by the pace of life, I go for a ride and....nirvanaaaaahhh." Mr McLucre is quick to point out the many advantages of having a car made of sand, or 'dune buggy' as he prefers to call it. Apparently it is very cheap to run,easy to repair, features molded seats and leaves no harmful fumes, though "a grain trail is not unusual".

Jarvis's neighbours are supportive if bewildered. "He's harmless I suppose," mumbled Notty Pearson, "and the kids love to play on it when he's not around." Is there a future for this extraordinary vehicle? Jarvis isn't hopeful. "The big car companies don't want this kind of thing. Basically anyone can make a cheap car according to their needs, that ain't good news for Vauxhall." As your Despondent reporter headed off, a scream from Mr McLucre gave away another drawback. "If I ever get my hands on that fucking labrador . . ."

- Z.Face -

Bee Commits Suicide

A post mortem examination has revealed that a Bumble Bee from Tastletyne Road, Cobham, died from suicide, after overdosing on pollen. The 13-week-old bee was found dead outside her hive in Cobham just days before Christmas last year.The Inquest revealed that she was obsessed by her weight.

According to Surrey beekeeper, Albert Senegal-Lancer, the bumble bee had constantly droned on to him about her overweight condition, and how she wanted to be "slim and beautiful" like a honey bee. "I tried to convince her that she wasn't overweight", said Senegal-Lancer at the Inquest, "and that she only appeared so, because of the large volume of hair on her body. But she wouldn't have any of it, and told me to buzz-off."

The Inquest also went on to say that she had a morbid fascination with the controversial rapper Eminem, and was influenced by the suicide of rock star Jim Morrison, thinking it would be "cool" to end her life with "guns ablazing" after watching a documentary on the The Doors singer. The bee had 89 milligrams per 100 millilitres of pollen in her body on the day she died.

- Rex Phibb -

vaguely related story: Dome Home For Drones - Bee consortium in shock bid)

Cheese Found Dead

A 4lb block of Red Leicester cheese was found dead yesterday. Police in Lymeswolde suspect foul play. The cheese had been garroted in its home at the Cheese Board Deli. Two foreign cheeses, thought to be a Parmesan and a Brie, have been arrested by the police. It's thought that they were involved in a bizarre love cheese triangle.

Foetus makes GCSE history

A four-month-old foetus has become the youngest pupil to pass a higher level GCSE exam. Niraj Dasgupta has received a grade B in Metalwork, after studying for four hours a week at a private college in Watford, Hertfordshire.

It is the second time in two years that students from Ryde College have made GCSE history. Last year, two-month-old Emily Porter-Siggurdsdottir became the youngest person to pass a GCSE, after gaining a C grade in Practical Beekeeping. Next year, pupils as young as two-day-old sperm are set to be entered for the exam by the college.

His mother Harsha, 32, a fund accountant for an insurance company, burst into tears when she discovered Nirav had passed the exam. "He has done extremely well. I'm very proud of him. It's all through hard work, pure dedication, and he's loved it, every minute of it. "Nirav has thoroughly enjoyed learning about metal. It started when I went to do a summer course at the college and he picked it up from there.

"He is a normal foetus who also loves football and is looking forward to playing on his PlayStation all the time." College Managing Director Michael Ryde said: "It's fabulous, it's absolutely fantastic. He did a higher tier paper which is the hardest paper you can do at GCSE. Nobody else has ever done so well at such a young age." Nirav, who is being taken to Disneyland in Paris on Friday by his mother as a reward, wants to join the Royal Navy when he grows up so he can travel the world.

The exam boards dismissed any suggestion that GCSEs were too easy, despite the rise in top grades awarded.

God is Dead?

Vatican to 'kill-off' God in bid to boost interest for flailing religion
Sources close to the hallowed city have revealed that after years of deterioration, God is to be 'knocked-off' in a brand new testament that bids to win back converts from 'the other major players, secular ideologies and loads of dumb ass new age philosophies'.

The new installment ('The Murdoch Years') is being written right now by a select team including Catholic heavyweights, media consultants and top script writers including 'a dude from Ugly Betty'. It promises to be just as violent, sleazy and over the top as the original. Anticipating adverse reactions from traditionalists, our source stated 'people should not be hasty in casting the first stone. This will be very exciting indeed. Besides the Pope has granted full backing, so tough titties. And besides, if Bobby fucking Ewing can make a dramtic comeback then . . .' Other plans include the return of Jesus as a hip nu metal rapper who 'misunderstood by authorities, will lead his minions towards the light with righteous rhymes at various summer rock festivals.'

And what of the rumours that the Church was planning a corporate takeover of Islam and Judaism? Focus groups have repeatedly shown that many consumers don't understand 'what the fuck is going on' in religion, given the many conflicting doctrines available. A 'one-stop shop would really focus holy resources' according to M.Manson of LAbiA Marketing Strategists. Our source remained noncommittal on this issue - 'Well, it would allow us to sort the Jesus thing out, but I really can't say any more.'

- Z.Face -

"Devil Not in Detail": Synod backs Bromley businessman's claims

The Church of England Synod is backing a junior manager from Gloucestershire who is locked in a theological tustle with his employers over "the willy-nilly use of the phrase 'the devil is in the detail'".

"I was in a meeting about whether we were going to limit the number of available 'convenience breaks' for staff, when some analyst got up and distrubuted some data and graphs, uttering something about the devil being in the detail - at which point I'd had enough" said Clyde McQuarry of Cheltenham. "I've had enough of the willy-nilly use of the phrase 'the devil is in the detail' - it, or rather he - is not!"

"McQuarry was asked to calm down," says his line manager, Paul Article. "I said it's only a figure of speech, but he just started screaming about how the authoritative teaching of the Church on this topic being set forth in the decrees of the 4th Lateran Council, wherein, after saying that God in the beginning had created together two creatures, the spiritual and the corporeal, that is to say the angelic and the earthly, and that the Devil and the other demons were created by God good in their nature but they by themselves have made themselves evil, or something. We've had to caution him - he's appealing against it."

Kelvin Pap of the Church Synod said that "in the absense of any union representation at Mr McQuarry's company, we will be supporting him in his dispute. Besides, it should be a bit of a laugh."

- Rex Phibb -

Hindley reconstitutes self from scattered ashes, buttock missing

Freshly fried 'evil scum bitch Myra Hindley' (© The Sun) has dramatically reassembled herself just days after being cremated. Her lack of a left buttock, the original having been licked up by Blunkett's dog at her funeral, means she now stalks the UK with a scatter cushion as a replacement. Scientists are baffled as to how Hindley was able to execute such an ingenious escape. "I have to admit I'm completely baffled," said one.

Tabloids have responded cautiously, not wishing to have their headlines trumped by competitors. "Your Children Will Die!!!" announced a mellow Daily Mail, prompting The Sun to simply ask "Whose first?", and print the photos of dozens of happy British infants. A phone poll was withdrawn after complaints of poor taste.

Technically Hindley, whose death was a disappointment to many a journo, is now a free woman. "There are no legal grounds for her reimprisonment" admitted a Home Office spokesperson, "but we're going to rush another bill through Parliament to prevent death being used as an excuse for sentence evasion. No one escapes Tony's law."

Hindley is thought to be planning a big come back sometime in 2003. One possibility is an appearance on Celebrity Big Brother 3, maybe with Ricky from Eastenders and that bloke from Countdown.

- Z.Face -

Police in 'Greatest Hits' Initiative

Norris Rhylname reports from Scotland Yard
Home Secretary David Blunkett today announced his latest initiative against crime: more exciting police sirens. The traditional nee-naw-nee-naw sirens were replaced several years ago with US style whoo-whoo-whoo ones to make car chases sound better on Police, Camera, Action!, but this new measure involves cranking the dramatic tension up further by replacing the treble of sirens with the throbbing beat of a drum solo.

"This is a bold move, and a great boost in the fight against crime," said Chief Commisioner Tom Tomson, "we'll be looking to have about a hundred solos available, so our officers can really get into the occasion with, for example, the Miami Vice theme by Jan Hammer. We'll also have a special drum roll for when we're about to apprehend a villain, followed by a cymbal clash for the completion of the arrest".

Pensioner Finds New Dimension With Potato Peeler

Retired lollipop lady Cathy Keenan, from Cork, Ireland, has astounded scientists by creating a gap in reality in her own home. "I was peeling the tatties for dinner," said Mrs Keenan, "when the knife slipped out me hand, and there was this ruddy great light in my kitchen. 'Now would you look at that', I thought, 'I've torn a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum, so I have'.

After inadvertently opening a portal to another universe, Mrs Keenan managed to make contact with a mysterious alien being, who requested her aid.

"My Ned reckoned he could hear voices coming from the other side of the hole, then all of a sudden this fat fella pops his head out and asks if I've got any sellotape. Well anyway, we soon patched it up, and now it's all right as rain".

Last night, The Despondent's science advisor, Joe Glasses, was remaining sceptical about Mrs Keenan's story. "I'd have used at least two rolls of gaffer tape to reseal it", he said.

- Norris Rhylname -