Sources close to the hallowed city have revealed that after years of deterioration, God is to be 'knocked-off' in a brand new testament that bids to win back converts from 'the other major players, secular ideologies and loads of dumb ass new age philosophies'.
The new installment ('The Murdoch Years') is being written right now by a select team including Catholic heavyweights, media consultants and top script writers including 'a dude from Ugly Betty'. It promises to be just as violent, sleazy and over the top as the original. Anticipating adverse reactions from traditionalists, our source stated 'people should not be hasty in casting the first stone. This will be very exciting indeed. Besides the Pope has granted full backing, so tough titties. And besides, if Bobby fucking Ewing can make a dramtic comeback then . . .' Other plans include the return of Jesus as a hip nu metal rapper who 'misunderstood by authorities, will lead his minions towards the light with righteous rhymes at various summer rock festivals.'
And what of the rumours that the Church was planning a corporate takeover of Islam and Judaism? Focus groups have repeatedly shown that many consumers don't understand 'what the fuck is going on' in religion, given the many conflicting doctrines available. A 'one-stop shop would really focus holy resources' according to M.Manson of LAbiA Marketing Strategists. Our source remained noncommittal on this issue - 'Well, it would allow us to sort the Jesus thing out, but I really can't say any more.'
- Z.Face -
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