Magnum Sphagnum Conundrum

American actor Tom Selleck, better known as TV's Magnum PI, is reported to be going through a 'moss nightmare' according to his agent. The back path of Magnum's Californian ranch has become so overgrown that it would be 'virtually impossible' for Magnum to clear the growth himself. Magnum is very busy at the moment said his agent, 'I think they may need him for an episode of Friends and he is also considering offers from Belarus where Magnum PI is huge'.

Fuck! - It's Official

The word Fuck is now officially a technical term - in Japan! In the users' manual for the latest model of Suzuki GSX R-750 motorcycle (pictured) the following instruction is quoted: "Never make any modifications to the aluminium alloy beam frame. Any such modifications will fuck it, and may lead to an accident."

Akira Yanarada, the technical boss at Suzuki, defended the use of the term saying "This terminology is fully justified. It is always our intention to match the specifications of our products to the needs of our customers. In this case we have utilised language consistent with, and clearly understood by, our core customer."

"Dolphin Underclass is Emerging" - Bush

George W.Bush has labelled Californian beached dolphins as "scrounging, work-shy scum". The animals, which occasionally find themselves washed-up on the beaches of the Pacific coast, are normally saved by environmental groups, rehabilitated in UCLA Marine Biology facilities, and released back into the wild following full recovery. But Bush, like his father, subscribes dogmatically to the view that any form of aid leads to an emergent underclass. "These fish are primarily seeking attention, but moreso are too lazy to find food for themselves." said the President. "If we continue to support them, they will learn that there is food for free - we must make them learn the hard way. Unless do-gooders start to leave the spounging porpoises where they wash-up, we will dramatically cut funding to the UCLA."

Mad Mao Disease on Increase

Chinese agriculture has been plunged into a state of crisis when it was discovered that a large amount of cattle were found to have Mad Mao disease. The cattle were found riding around their field on bicycles, wearing small round glasses and mooing from a small red book. This is bad news for farming in China generally as the rise in Foot and Mao cases has also been on the increase. Reports have also confirmed cases of Titomotosis in some Yugoslavian rabbits and a case of Karl Mange that is affecting a dog in Germany.

Dome home for drones?

Shock Bee Consortium in bid for Blair's Blunder
Chrust reports this
Cash starved, debt-ridden eyesore the Millennium Dome appeared to be on the verge of finding a backer last night when a group of bees tabled a package to save the metal monstrosity.

According to Surrey beekeeper, Albert Senegal-Lancer, a large group of his bees wish to inhabit the now vacant tit-shaped tin shed and turn it into a giant hive. Albert, who suffers from alcohol depression and a mild form of psychosis, mistakenly believes he can communicate with various members of the insect world. "Bees are a progressive species and they wish to expand into the property market. They have such drive and ambition and they need bigger premises. Although they can't offer sound financial backing they intend to pay with honey", he told our reporter over a beef and ale pie and several pints in the snug of the Cask & Bottle, somewhere in the Surrey countryside.

The bee consortium which has allegedly presented the package, was apparently unavailable for comment. "They're busy buzzing around and making fucking honey" Albert spluttered into our reporter's face when questioned, "thems make lovely honey" he drooled wistfully between gulps of strong lager and mouthfuls of pie.

Dome opposition groups welcomed the news of the bid and encouraged other insects to become more proactive with their approach to environmental issues. Francis Lipbalm spokesman for the environmental newspaper Green is the Colour the Countryside is our Game voiced his support, "I think it's a simply wonderful idea. Hornets, Bluebottles and Mayflies should get together and stand up and be counted. They are being exploited and they deserve a bigger slice of the pie".

The government has denied that a formal approach has been made, "We are unaware of any new developments concerning the Dome" an official-looking person said. But to fuel speculation he also stated that, "a number of bees have been seen buzzing around Number 10 recently looking very serious and business like".

Albert insists that it is only a matter of time before the bees get what they want, "It's only a matter of time before they get what they want" he shouted as our reporter prepared to leave the pub. "Tony Martin was a good lad" he yelled as he waved his fist and farted. At the time of going to press no further action from Albert or the bees seems to have materialised. To make matters worse for our reporter he found dog dirt on one of his new shoes and a passing car had lightly splashed rain water onto the bottom of his suit trousers.

Kosovan chess sets recalled

Twenty hand-carved teak chess sets were being sought in the Kossovan capital Pristina yesterday after it is believed small traces of uranium were detected on the 'ones that look like horses' a British embassy official said. The chess pieces are potentially life threatening and it has been suggested that the sets may have been sent to Hungary.

Bulls murdered

Six bulls are believed to have been ritually slaughtered in a Madrid bullring on Tuesday. Witnesses say the assailant was disguised as a Matador and was armed with a dagger. It is believed that over the period of the bullfight he systematically killed the bulls with his dagger after goading them with a red rag and waving at anyone who was watching. Police remain unsure as to the motive of the killings and currently have no idea who may have been responsible.

Leaning tower set for face lift

The leaning tower of Pisa is set to be turned into an unusual lop-sided helter-skelter, officials from the Italian town announced yesterday. Attempts to revitalise the town's ailing tourist industry have so far failed and against all sound structural advice work is soon to begin on creating the fairground favourite.

Bars in Their Eyes

BBC Crimewatch to launch new, light entertainment spin-off show shocker
A new BBC light entertainment show, Bars in their Eyes, will invite members of the public to dress up as their favourite villain and re-enact one of the crimes that put their hero on the gangster map.  "We are very excited about this new, Saturday evening format", say BBC 1's Kraytime Controllers. "We're merely tapping into the glamour element of crime. The public love gangsters and we're simply offering them the chance to step into the shoes of their heroes. It's good, old fashioned, family entertainment at its finest".  Outside sources have accused the BBC of dumbing down. [Source: Gay Icon News]

Tea-time text trauma taxes Terry

Leicester man snatched from jaws of death by mobile phone
Unemployed truck driver Terry Boggle found himself with more than he bargained for after eating twenty-seven jam filled doughnuts in his Leicester home yesterday. Unable to move after his stodge fuelled feast, clinically obese Terry, 47 found he could not get up from his sofa in order to make a life saving cup of tea.

Terry's downtrodden wife Brenda, 53, had not yet returned from her weekly shopping spree in the city's Shires centre leaving Terry alone to fend for himself. Remarkably, Terry managed to reach his mobile phone on the living room table and text his wife a message informing her of his plight. "It was like a living nightmare," said Terry from his hospital bed in the Royal infirmary where he is suffering from exhaustion and acute anxiety. " I was absolutely gasping for a cuppa as all the sugar from the doughnuts had dried out my mouth. Luckily I had the phone to text Brenda or else god only knows what might have happened". He also joked good naturedly with nurses as he sipped concentrated prune based beverages.

Brenda who has been with Terry at his bedside said "It was lucky I got to him when I did. I don't know what would have happened if Terry had not had his phone. He loves his tea and unfortunately his indolence prevented him from making a cup". The texting phenomenon sweeping the nation has once again proved it's worth as a social tool. "It has changed my life", said Terry, "I can now do things without having to move much. Anyone without a mobile phone is either a loser or a gypo. And they don't know what they're talking about", he added. Terry is now making a full recovery and hopes to be back on his sofa in a matter of days, where he intends to stay indefinitely.

Multi-national phone companies welcomed the news of Terry's miracle escape from the clutches of the grim reaper. A spokesman acting on behalf of the telecommunications business community said "This proves that mobile phones and in particular the SMS texting service are essential to almost every facet of human life and to society as a whole".

He also announced future plans to saturate the developing world with over priced technology: "Although they don't know it yet these people are going to become dependent on mobile phones. This is the age of the global village and it is important that in the world wide scheme of things no one is left behind" he said. He also echoed the sentiments of many Western powers when he added, "We want every bastard out there drinking fizzy pop, smoking fags and phoning their mates twenty-four seven".