Blair and Bush will be joined at shoulders - say experts

There is no doubt that the world is a much better, safer place for white middle class males when its world leaders stand shoulder to shoulder, but the very health of Tony Blair and George W.Bush is increasingly under threat the more they do so. That is the alarming opinion of Dr Chris Lothsline of the University of Sheffield.

"I've seen it before", said the field-leading professor of molecular cryptology from his local boozer. "If they carry on standing shoulder to shoulder, there's a clear and present danger that Bush & Blair will become joined at the shoulder like some freak 'siamese statesman'".

The implications of this are worrying. It will probably mean that Tony Blair will have to stand shoulder to shoulder with Bush at the next general election. "Still, at least that'll mean those bastard, lying, cheating, smarmy, poncey new Labour fuckwitts won't get a third term," said Professor Lothsline on his fifth pint of Speckled Abbot.

There are also practical issues to take into account. The toilets in the new parliament building opposite Westminster, for instance, will need to accomadate the 'siamese statesmen'. "Yeah, we'll probably just knock two of the cubicles into one and move the pans closer together", said Greg Wendell of Wendell & Sons Quality Builders. "They'll be able to shit shoulder to shoulder then!"

Whatever the implications, it's clear that the latest vogue for scapular proximity is going to give our great leaders even more to think about, at a time when they carry the world's trouble on their harmonious shoulders.

- Rex Phibb -

Bush Vs Beelzebub: US to extend War Against Terror into 'Hell itself'

President Bush yesterday warned Old Nick and his atrocious minions that the US would be extending its war against terror into the dark underworld. "Know this," he warned, "a final reckoning is on the cards here, we know where Satan is, and we will defeat him. Do not misunderestimatorise us."

Britain will offer the usual naive sycophantic military support. "Tony is really up for this, it's right up his street" opined Downing Street spokesperson Geoff Laxman, "in fact he will be keen to wrap up the complete defeat of evil in time for the next election. It could provide a healthy poll boost." 5000 UK troops, prepared to risk infinite sodomy by barbed hellish cock, are poised for the descent into inestimable chaos should Dubya give the nod. "The radios are fixed" assured Laxman.

Anti-globalisation protestors have dismissed Bush's announcements as 'fake' and 'a deceit'. "He may convince some that he is to initiate the Final War, Armageddon, and eventually introduce a 1000 year period of light and peace, the so called Age of Aquarius" said Fig Toffee from the Play Up! movement, "but what he really wants is to extend the corporate branding of our age to the Realm of Chaos. Eternal burnings in oil sponsored by Exxon, the patenting of traditional demonic flesh ripping techniques, that kind of thing."

Critics have warned that defeating the Dark Lord of That Which Cannot Be Mentioned will leave a power vacuum for 'any tinpot dictator or nutcase' to take advantage of. "This is a very dangerous strategy" said Professor Bart Litman of the University of Stockport, "there's no telling who might end up on Lucifer's empty throne. I dread to think."

"Fuck you Beezlebub" said Jason Kolb of Villesville, Ohio, "here comes the smackdown".

- Z.Face -

Chief's £3million BT Bung for 'having a damn nice try'

Z.Face reports
BT Chief Executive Sir Peter Bonsfield is today calculating how he will spend the £3m he is due in payoffs following yesterday's resignation from the lolloping communications giant.

Critics have pointed out that before Sir Peter's reign, BT had never made a trading loss. This year it made a loss of £30bn, surviving only after the largest cash call on shareholders in corporate history. Sir Peter admitted that "objectives didn't quite reach complete fruition status" but his critics have been written off as 'obvious anarchists, paedophiles and war wobblers'.

Kathy Hilfiger of Tower Hamlets was quick to support Sir Peter. Kathy, a single mother who struggles daily to raise her asthmatic children with the help of the cheapest food, TV as distractor, a damp flat and deteriorating coping mechanisms said "Bless him, he looks like he deserves it. It's them scrounging Kosovians that piss me off."

"We totally defend this competitive golden handshake, or golden shoulder as I call them now, " said BT executive Mike Dandy, "he gave it a bloody good go, coming to work even when struck with various minor ailments." £615,000 of the payoff comes as reward for BT's performance over the last year, when it achieved the huge loss described above.

Already more middle class heterosexual males have been shortlisted to replace Sir Peter. Some have even been described as having 'vision' and the ability to 'rationalise' by middle class heterosexual males in the press.