Tea-time text trauma taxes Terry

Leicester man snatched from jaws of death by mobile phone
Unemployed truck driver Terry Boggle found himself with more than he bargained for after eating twenty-seven jam filled doughnuts in his Leicester home yesterday. Unable to move after his stodge fuelled feast, clinically obese Terry, 47 found he could not get up from his sofa in order to make a life saving cup of tea.

Terry's downtrodden wife Brenda, 53, had not yet returned from her weekly shopping spree in the city's Shires centre leaving Terry alone to fend for himself. Remarkably, Terry managed to reach his mobile phone on the living room table and text his wife a message informing her of his plight. "It was like a living nightmare," said Terry from his hospital bed in the Royal infirmary where he is suffering from exhaustion and acute anxiety. " I was absolutely gasping for a cuppa as all the sugar from the doughnuts had dried out my mouth. Luckily I had the phone to text Brenda or else god only knows what might have happened". He also joked good naturedly with nurses as he sipped concentrated prune based beverages.

Brenda who has been with Terry at his bedside said "It was lucky I got to him when I did. I don't know what would have happened if Terry had not had his phone. He loves his tea and unfortunately his indolence prevented him from making a cup". The texting phenomenon sweeping the nation has once again proved it's worth as a social tool. "It has changed my life", said Terry, "I can now do things without having to move much. Anyone without a mobile phone is either a loser or a gypo. And they don't know what they're talking about", he added. Terry is now making a full recovery and hopes to be back on his sofa in a matter of days, where he intends to stay indefinitely.

Multi-national phone companies welcomed the news of Terry's miracle escape from the clutches of the grim reaper. A spokesman acting on behalf of the telecommunications business community said "This proves that mobile phones and in particular the SMS texting service are essential to almost every facet of human life and to society as a whole".

He also announced future plans to saturate the developing world with over priced technology: "Although they don't know it yet these people are going to become dependent on mobile phones. This is the age of the global village and it is important that in the world wide scheme of things no one is left behind" he said. He also echoed the sentiments of many Western powers when he added, "We want every bastard out there drinking fizzy pop, smoking fags and phoning their mates twenty-four seven".

Foreign Imports Destroying Domestic Monkey Soap Industry - says Haig

This report by Rex Fibb
Comical opposition crackpot, Willy Haig, yesterday bleated out against government policy on the ailing monkey soap industry in this country. "We are not doing enough," he said, "to protect our domestic producers," [melodramatic pause] "against the clear and present dangers presented by" [pause] "Johnny Foreigner!"

His rousing speech was was met with confused looks from government MPs, and embarrassed smiles and coughing from his own party. When questioned on the matter a government spokesgit later said "What is monkey soap?" I speculated that it might be a special soap that allows vets and pet-owners to build up a lather in the unusually coarse hair of a monkey. "Why would you want to do that?" he asked. I asked whether he, or any members of his party had ever tried to get a lather on a monkey using ordinary soap, but he just mumbled something and walked off. I lost the news.